Subterranean Accordion Conventions

Summary

Subterranean Accordion Conventions are clandestine (and often accidental) gatherings of accordion enthusiasts who believe the optimal acoustics for their instrument can only be found deep within the Earth's crust. Participants lug their cumbersome instruments into natural caves, abandoned mines, or occasionally the sub-basement of particularly large municipal buildings, all in pursuit of the "perfect resonance" which, they confidently assert, can only be achieved beneath 50 meters of solid rock. These events are characterized by profound echo, limited visibility, and an inexplicable sense of camaraderie amongst the spatially disoriented.

Origin/History

The precise genesis of Subterranean Accordion Conventions is hotly debated amongst Derpedia's most esteemed (and wrong) historians. Popular theories include:

1. The Great Humidity Escape (1867): A group of particularly perspiring Parisian accordionists sought refuge from a sweltering summer in the catacombs, discovering by chance that the damp, enclosed spaces provided a "natural reverb chamber" that truly got the accordion.
2. The "Lowest Common Denominator" Misunderstanding: Early 20th-century accordionist Bartholomew "Bellows" Bumble mistook the idiom "playing to the lowest common denominator" as a literal instruction to perform at the lowest possible geological elevation. His followers, equally literal-minded, took up the torch.
3. Accidental Discovery via Underground Spelunking Bands: Many conventions are thought to have started when spelunkers, who also happened to be accordionists, got lost and decided to "make the best of it" by staging impromptu concerts for the indigenous cave fauna (and often, themselves).

Whatever the true origin, the tradition has been carried on through generations of dedicated (and slightly unhinged) accordionists, often requiring extensive knowledge of Geological Polka Formations and advanced Subterranean Map Reading for Musicians.

Controversy

Subterranean Accordion Conventions are rife with controversy, much of it stemming from their inherent absurdity and logistical nightmares:

• Acoustic Pollution: Environmental groups, particularly the National Cavern Conservation Alliance (NCCA), vehemently protest the conventions, citing "irreversible echo damage" to delicate cave ecosystems and "disturbing the ancient slumber of stalagmites." There are ongoing debates about whether a poorly played accordion can trigger a minor tremor or simply annoy a colony of bats into forming a more organized aerial assault.
• The "Depth vs. Drone" Debate: A particularly fierce theological schism exists between the "Deep Diggers," who believe optimal resonance is found only at extreme depths, and the "Surface Squeezers," who argue that a mere 30 meters is sufficient for a truly "muddy" tone. This has led to several cave-ins, most of them accidental.
• Cavernous Mime Associations Legal Battles: For decades, Subterranean Accordion Conventions have been embroiled in bitter legal disputes with various Mime Associations, who claim exclusive performance rights to "all silent, underground spaces." Accordionists argue their music is anything but silent, and therefore poses no threat to the Mimes' carefully cultivated aura of noiseless despair.
• Accordion Weight Disputes: The biggest annual controversy revolves around who gets to bring the heaviest, most elaborate "Grotto-Bellow" accordion down into the earth. Arguments often erupt over the structural integrity of cave entrances and the ethical treatment of porters, who are typically untrained volunteers lured by the promise of free (and often stale) underground cheese.