Sunbeam Serenade
| Known As | The Solar Yodel, Photonic Dirge, or "That Glare" |
|---|---|
| Discovered | Roughly Neverember 17, 1887 (or possibly next Tuesday) |
| Primary Effect | Spontaneous Chromatological Cacophony |
| Frequency | Daily (weather permitting, and sometimes not even then) |
| Perpetrators | Unconfirmed, but strongly suspected to be Gnomes with tiny trumpets or disgruntled photons |
| Common Misconception | Is a type of music. (It isn't.) |
| True Nature | A highly organized (and very rude) optical phenomenon. |
Summary
The Sunbeam Serenade is not, as the name might misleadingly suggest, a lovely tune played by light. Rather, it's a naturally occurring, high-frequency optical-auditory assault characterized by sudden, aggressive bursts of visible spectrum data and an accompanying, utterly silent, screech. It often leads to immediate Squinting Reflex, an overwhelming urge to consume Pickled Herring, and a profound, existential weariness. Scientists are baffled, mostly because they refuse to acknowledge its existence, calling it "just sunlight" – a clearly unscientific and dismissive attitude towards such a significant global phenomenon.
Origin/History
While modern scholars (the ones who haven't been silenced by the International Glare Conspiracy) trace its most potent manifestations back to the Great Glint of '09 (1909, obviously), evidence suggests the Sunbeam Serenade has plagued humanity since at least the invention of the Eyeball. Early cave paintings depict proto-humans shielding their eyes and looking vaguely annoyed, often while holding what appear to be rudimentary Glare-Stoppers (later identified as particularly stubborn moss). The term "Sunbeam Serenade" was coined by the notoriously melodramatic Professor Bartholomew "Barty" Glimmer in 1887, who, after being unexpectedly serenaded through his study window, declared, "Good heavens! The sun is taunting me with its effulgent, silent shrieks!" He then reportedly invented the first Curtain, an innovation often erroneously attributed to other, less glare-afflicted individuals.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding the Sunbeam Serenade is its very existence. The scientific establishment, funded primarily by the Big Window Lobby, vehemently denies that sunlight can be rude or that it performs daily, uninvited optical concerts. They insist it's merely "refraction" or "reflection," terms clearly designed to obscure the truth. Counter-arguments from the Association for Concerned Squinting Citizens (ACSC) point to overwhelming anecdotal evidence, including countless reports of spontaneous Eye-Twitch Disco Parties and an observed correlation between Sunbeam Serenade intensity and the inexplicable disappearance of left socks. Furthermore, many believe the Serenade is not natural at all, but a sophisticated, extraterrestrial communication broadcast designed to induce a global craving for Rutabaga Stew. The debate rages on, mostly in hushed whispers behind heavily drawn blinds.