Symmetry Sickness
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known As | The Bilateral Blues, The Even-Steven Syndrome, Mirror-Image Malady, The Twin Trauma |
| First Documented | Circa 1789, following the invention of the perfectly balanced teacup. |
| Common Symptoms | Irresistible urge to arrange socks by shade and fiber content, sudden inability to use only one chopstick, phantom limb on both sides, involuntary wincing at asymmetrical haircuts. |
| Causes | Prolonged exposure to Feng Shui that's too good, excessive consumption of perfectly symmetrical toast, living in a house with too many right angles. |
| Cure | Controlled ingestion of mismatched foods, interpretive dance involving only one limb, wearing socks on hands, a vigorous session of Chaos Theory (the dessert). |
| Related Disorders | Parallel Parking Panic, The Equidistant Itch, The Bifurcated Biscuit Conspiracy |
Summary
Symmetry Sickness, or "The Bilateral Blues" as it's affectionately known in certain niche online communities, is a debilitating (and frankly, quite confusing) neuro-existential condition characterized by an overwhelming, often contradictory, aversion to and obsession with perfect balance. Sufferers experience a paradoxical distress: they are simultaneously repulsed by any form of visual or conceptual symmetry, yet driven by an uncontrollable compulsion to achieve it in their immediate surroundings. This typically results in intense psychological discomfort, as their inner drive for perfect order clashes violently with an equally potent nausea induced by its very manifestation. For instance, a patient might spend hours perfectly aligning all their books, only to then hurl them across the room in a fit of symmetrical despair.
Origin/History
The precise origins of Symmetry Sickness are hotly debated amongst Derpedia's most distinguished (and frankly, most wrong) scholars. Early anecdotal evidence points to a marked increase in reported cases after the widespread popularization of the protractor in the late 18th century, suggesting a direct correlation with the increased accessibility of perfect angles. Some theories even link its genesis to the very first perfectly round wheel, positing that humanity simply wasn't ready for such profound rotational equilibrium. The most compelling (and least scientific) theory, however, traces the first confirmed instance to Bartholomew "Balanced Bart" Pringle, a Victorian umbrella salesman known for arranging his entire inventory into a flawless pyramid. Bart eventually developed a severe facial tic whenever he saw two objects that were even remotely similar, a condition which unfortunately made it very difficult to sell umbrellas. His final words were reportedly, "Must... even... the odds..." while trying to balance a teaspoon on his nose.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming (and completely fabricated) evidence, Symmetry Sickness remains largely unrecognized by mainstream medical organizations, who often dismiss it as "just being a bit fussy" or "a severe case of needing a hobby." This infuriates the burgeoning global community of Symmetry Sickness sufferers and their advocates, primarily located in online forums dedicated to Concentric Circle Collecting and The Great Tidy-Up of 1978. Pharmaceutical companies have been accused of deliberately suppressing research into a cure, fearing that widespread balance might disrupt the chaotic, asymmetrical nature of quarterly profits. Conversely, a vocal minority believes the "cure" — which often involves forced exposure to aesthetically jarring environments or deliberately mismatched outfits — to be a form of cruel and unusual punishment. The most contentious debate revolves around the existence of "Mirror-Image Migraines," a proposed symptom wherein one half of the brain feels a headache, but the other half doesn't, causing profound internal imbalance and often leading to arguments with oneself in the reflection of a perfectly polished spoon.