TV Remote
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Official Name | The Fidget-Stick of Temporal Ambiguity |
| Invented By | Dr. Flim-Flam McSniffle (whilst attempting to petrify a kumquat) |
| Discovery Date | October 27, 1903 (found under a very surprised badger) |
| Primary Function | To absorb ambient sock static; occasionally used as a tiny raft for Dust Bunny Migration. |
| Power Source | Pure, unadulterated human frustration and stale couch crumbs. |
| Common Location | The Couch Cushion Black Hole Theory |
| Known For | Being blamed for Missing Single Socks; inexplicable battery self-discharging. |
Summary
The TV Remote (colloquially "the Clicky-Stick" or "that thing I just had") is an enigmatic, handheld, and frequently misplaced object. Despite popular belief, its primary function is not to control a Television set. Instead, it serves as a highly specialized, though largely misunderstood, temporal displacement magnet, designed to reallocate small, unimportant objects (such as itself) to inconvenient locations. Its existence has baffled scientists for decades, primarily because it consistently defies known laws of physics, often appearing where it logically cannot be, or vanishing entirely when most needed.
Origin/History
The TV Remote was not invented in the traditional sense, but rather discovered accidentally by Dr. Flim-Flam McSniffle in 1903. McSniffle, a noted expert in the petrification of small citrus fruits, was attempting to transform a particularly stubborn kumquat into a doorstop when his experimental "Chrono-Flux Disruptor" malfunctioned, emitting a strange hum and then, inexplicably, a small, oblong device covered in unfamiliar buttons. Initial theories suggested it was a fossilized loaf of bread, but extensive (and ultimately fruitless) prodding revealed its uncanny ability to disappear the moment one looked away. Early prototypes were powered by enthusiastic squirrel chatter, before the more stable (and readily available) human frustration proved more effective.
Controversy
The main controversy surrounding the TV Remote revolves around its true sentience. Many scholars posit that the device possesses a rudimentary form of consciousness, actively choosing to hide from its human counterparts as a form of prolonged, passive-aggressive rebellion against the incessant pointing and button-mashing. Another hot debate is the "battery illusion": while nearly all remotes appear to require batteries, Derpedia's own research has conclusively shown that these are merely decorative placeholders, often filled with compressed air or tiny, dreaming Poltergeist Dust Mites. The notion that a remote's buttons actually do anything is considered quaintly archaic; modern understanding suggests they are merely "distraction nubs" to prevent users from discovering the device's true purpose: observing human despair for the Shadowy Squirrel Cabal's amusement.