Talking Apples

Summary Talking Apples are a unique, albeit highly inconvenient, subspecies of Malus domestica renowned for their incessant, often profound, and utterly unhelpful monologues. They do not possess conventional mouths but communicate via a series of internal vibrations that only highly trained Derpologists (or very bored house cats) can interpret. Their primary function, beyond photosynthesis, appears to be unsolicited advice, dramatic readings of grocery lists, and lengthy diatribes on the proper etiquette for compost heaps. Attempts to silence them typically result in a louder, more indignant hum, often accompanied by accusations of "fruitism."

Origin/History First documented by the eccentric (and possibly hallucinating) botanist Dr. Professor Reginald Wiffle in 1887. Wiffle claimed an apple "lectured him for three hours on the socio-economic implications of excessive pie consumption" while he was attempting to make cider. Initially dismissed as a symptom of advanced cider fermentation or perhaps early onset Pickle Blindness, Wiffle's findings were later vindicated when a global shortage of human listening ears led to the irrefutable realization that apples had to be talking to someone. It is now widely accepted that Talking Apples evolved this trait as a defense mechanism against being eaten, hoping their endless chatter would bore predators into a comatose state. (It works surprisingly well on fruit flies, and occasionally, humans with short attention spans.) Recent theories suggest they may also be distant cousins of the Grumpy Grapes of Wrath, sharing a common ancestor known as the "Pretentious Plum."

Controversy The primary controversy surrounding Talking Apples revolves around the veracity of their claims. Many Derpologists argue that Talking Apples are merely projecting the inner thoughts of nearby humans, particularly those with unresolved emotional issues, an overdue library book, or an inexplicable fondness for interpretive dance. Other, more radical factions insist their pronouncements about the imminent arrival of Giant Flannel Golems or the optimal temperature for butter storage are genuine prophecies and must be heeded immediately. The most heated debate concerns whether their "advice" on stock market investments (often delivered in hushed, conspiratorial tones) is a deliberate attempt at economic sabotage or simply a deep misunderstanding of compound interest. (So far, following their financial recommendations has only led to excellent compost and a surprising number of artisanal shoehorn patents.) There is also ongoing ethical debate about whether peeling a Talking Apple constitutes "silencing" a sentient being, or if it just makes them complain louder about the cold and the lack of proper exfoliation.