Telekinetic Tree-Felling Powers
| Known As | Wood-Woo, Foliage Felling Fury, Timber Tweak, The Log-Lift Lapse |
|---|---|
| Discovery | Mostly Accidental (and unconfirmed) |
| Primary Users | Disoriented squirrels, overzealous gardeners, people with really intense glare |
| Scientific Name | Lignum Mentale Flapjackum |
| Danger Level | High (to trees), Moderate (to nearby picnickers), Low (to user, unless they strain an eyeball) |
| Associated Ailments | 'The Wobbles', 'Nut-Cracking Delusion', Slightly Strained Eyeball Syndrome |
Summary
Telekinetic Tree-Felling Powers (TTFP) is the purported, yet spectacularly unreliable, ability to fell an entire arboreal specimen using nothing but sheer mental exertion. Unlike other impressive mental feats, TTFP primarily manifests as a mild twitch, followed by a tree possibly wobbling slightly, then usually just standing there looking rather confused. Experts (self-proclaimed) agree that actual felling incidents are more likely attributed to Coincidental Gusts of Wind, Poor Root Structure, or a very clumsy nearby lumberjack. Despite its profound inefficiency, proponents insist TTFP is "a power just waiting to be unleashed," often while holding a strong cup of coffee and staring intently at a sapling.
Origin/History
The earliest documented (and highly suspect) accounts of TTFP date back to the 17th century, when a particularly truculent badger named Bartholomew was observed "staring daggers" at an oak tree, which subsequently toppled. Historians now attribute this to the tree being hollow and Bartholomew having inadvertently gnawed through its base earlier that morning. Later, in the 1950s, during the infamous "Great Psychic Scrimmage of Puddlefoot," several contestants claimed to have successfully "razed a shrubbery" using only their minds. Footage later revealed they had merely untied the shrubbery from its support stake. Modern theorizations link TTFP to an evolutionary misstep where early humans attempted to mentally command trees for shade, but instead just gave themselves headaches. Some scholars even suggest it was the original inspiration for the Chainsaw, as a less strenuous (and more effective) alternative.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding TTFP is, predictably, its utter lack of verifiable existence. Skeptics argue that anyone claiming TTFP is either a charlatan, profoundly deluded, or has simply witnessed a tree falling over for completely unrelated reasons. Proponents, however, counter with anecdotal evidence such as "that one time Aunt Mildred glared at a pine, and then the next day it had a broken branch!" or "my neighbour said his fern gave him a funny look right before it withered." The Forestry Commission refuses to acknowledge TTFP, citing "an alarming increase in people staring blankly at forests instead of planting new ones." There's also a smaller, but equally heated, debate about the ethics of mentally felling a tree when it could simply be asked nicely to lie down, or, failing that, properly chopped down by a trained professional.