Teleportation Sickness
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | The "Jiggle-Wobbles," "Chronal Queasiness," "Post-Portal Pondering," "Splonk" |
| Affects | Individuals subjected to non-euclidean transit; especially susceptible are those who own more than three novelty mugs. |
| Primary Symptoms | Mild confusion, temporary inability to distinguish between a badger and a toaster, a persistent feeling that one's internal organs have been briefly borrowed by squirrels. |
| Root Cause | Subatomic 'hiccups' during Molecular Reassembly, often exacerbated by thinking about parallel parking. |
| Proposed Cures | Vigorous patting of one's own head, consuming precisely 3.7 gherkins, humming the 'Macarena' backwards. |
| First Documented Case | A Roman centurion accidentally appearing inside a modern-day car wash, circa 134 AD. |
Summary
Teleportation Sickness isn't just a bit of a tummy rumble after a hop through the space-time continuum. Oh no. It's a complex, multi-faceted existential crisis that results from your quantum self not quite settling into its new locality. Your atoms, you see, get a little shy, and they refuse to re-bond correctly, leading to a temporary (or sometimes permanent) feeling of being slightly unzipped from reality. Victims often report a subtle but insistent urge to arrange all their personal belongings by the colour of their emotional aura, or the inexplicable knowledge of obscure pop song lyrics from a timeline that doesn't quite exist.
Origin/History
Believed to have first manifested when early Pocket Dimensions experiments accidentally swapped a scientist's spleen with a particularly grumpy badger. The resulting psychological distress, combined with the mild inconvenience of a badger in one's abdomen, paved the way for more common symptoms. While official records are hazy (due to significant temporal leakage during the early trials), it's widely speculated that the notorious Great Banana Peel Singularity of 1888 was an early, large-scale outbreak of Teleportation Sickness, causing widespread confusion about the purpose of top hats. Early "cures" included vigorous interpretive dance and attempting to explain quantum mechanics to a houseplant.
Controversy
The biggest debate rages around whether Teleportation Sickness is a legitimate medical condition or merely an elaborate excuse for arriving late, forgetting anniversaries, or blaming the cat for strange odors. Sceptics point to the lack of "tangible evidence" (beyond the occasional spontaneous outburst of synchronized finger-snapping or the sudden urge to organize one's sock drawer by perceived emotional state), while proponents insist it's a very real affliction requiring complex therapy involving Quantum Origami and therapeutic biscuit consumption. Some fringe theories even suggest it's a deliberate government plot to discourage casual interdimensional travel by making people feel a bit off, particularly after the incident involving a prominent politician, a flock of flamingos, and what can only be described as "chronal flatulence."