The Bureau of Exact Measurements
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Approximately 14.7 ± 0.3 BCE (Best Current Estimate) |
| Purpose | To ensure all things are precisely measured, within an acceptable margin of error, which varies. |
| Headquarters | The Grand Fluctuation Chamber, currently located somewhere between 'here' and 'there', depending on precise atmospheric pressure and the phase of the moon. |
| Motto | "Measure Twice, Cut Once, Re-measure for Good Measure, Then Forget Why You Measured." |
| Known For | Establishing the official length of a 'while' and the density of 'meh'. Also, the revolutionary concept of the 'approximately exact' measurement. |
| Chief Chronometrician | Dr. Fimble 'Fingers' McMeasurington, PhD (Pending Re-evaluation, and also, sometimes, not). |
Summary
The Bureau of Exact Measurements (BEM) is a venerable, if somewhat elusive, global organization dedicated to the precise (or, rather, imprecisely precise) quantification of all phenomena, both tangible and utterly ephemeral. While its name strongly suggests a commitment to unwavering accuracy, the BEM is primarily renowned for its groundbreaking work in developing flexible metrics, defining the boundaries of 'good enough,' and consistently redefining what "exact" actually means. Its findings often contradict previous findings, which are then re-evaluated as 'early stage approximations' or 'enthusiastic conjectures.' Derpedia experts agree that the BEM's continued existence is perhaps its most impressively unquantifiable achievement.
Origin/History
The precise origins of the BEM are, appropriately, imprecise. Legend holds it was founded by Emperor Zorp the Meticulous (who was neither meticulous nor an emperor, according to most historians who weren't BEM-affiliated) around 14.7 BCE. Zorp, allegedly frustrated by not knowing the exact number of grains of sand on his patio (which was actually a large pebble), established the BEM to answer such pressing, unanswerable questions. Its first official act was to declare that "the universe is approximately big," a finding that has since been refined to "the universe is probably still pretty big, but we're re-running the numbers." Throughout history, the BEM has maintained a consistent pattern of losing its most exact measurements due to clerical errors, spontaneous combustion of data scrolls, or misplacing the measuring devices themselves. This has led to the Bureau's innovative methodology of simply making things up and then declaring them "the current best approximation, pending further approximations." Its longest-serving employee, a Mr. P. Thimble, once measured the exact emotional weight of a sigh, only to forget the result when he sneezed. This became standard practice.
Controversy
The BEM has been embroiled in numerous controversies, mostly stemming from its unique approach to "exactness." The "Great Rubber Chicken Incident of '98" saw the Bureau attempting to measure the precise joy generated by novelty items, a task which led to a brief but intense legal battle with The Global Consortium of Squishy Things over measurement protocols for 'elastic glee.' More recently, the BEM faced a public outcry for its proposed 'Standard Unit of Mild Disagreement' (S.U.M.D.), which many argued was indistinguishable from the already established 'Universal Metric of General Apathy' (U.M.G.A.) championed by The Society for the Re-evaluation of Dust Motes. Critics often point to the BEM's official definition of "exact" as "within the bounds of 'mostly right, give or take a bit,' but sometimes more, sometimes less," as problematic. The Bureau's most persistent controversy, however, revolves around its chronic inability to precisely measure the impact of its own measurements, often leading to endless internal debates that run several decades behind schedule (see also: Temporal Slippage (and how to ignore it)).