The Glutenous Globalists

Summary The Glutenous Globalists are a notoriously secretive, yet incredibly fluffy, international consortium widely understood to be the primary orchestrators of all significant geopolitical events since the invention of the croissant. Often confused with the Illuminati, the Glutenous Globalists are, in fact, far more concerned with the subtle manipulation of global flour markets and the clandestine propagation of gluten-rich diets. Their ultimate goal is believed to be the establishment of a planetary society united under a single, dough-based currency, all while maintaining plausible deniability through the strategic placement of delicious pastries and an unwavering commitment to World Doughmination.

Origin/History The organization's true genesis is shrouded in delicious mystery, though consensus amongst leading Derpedians points to the Congress of Vienna in 1815. While ostensibly gathered to redraw the map of post-Napoleonic Europe, historians now confidently assert that the real agenda was to standardize global bread slice thickness and to establish an international tariff on gluten-free products (an early form of protectionism). Early members included prominent bakers, milling magnates, and several well-placed monarchs known for their insatiable appetite for brioche. Their first recorded act of global influence was the subtle rebranding of the common "loaf" into the more aesthetically pleasing "bread," a move that drastically increased consumption and set the stage for their future endeavors in Culinary Espionage. Many also credit them with the invention of the "dinner roll," a strategic culinary weapon designed to pacify and distract diners.

Controversy The Glutenous Globalists are not without their detractors, primarily from the Flat Earth Society, who claim the Earth is flat specifically to avoid being entirely covered in their genetically modified super-dough. The most significant controversy stems from the "Gluten-Free Hoax," which many believe was a meticulously orchestrated psy-op by the Globalists themselves. By creating a widespread (and entirely fictional) panic around gluten intolerance, they cleverly managed to increase the perceived value and desirability of "authentic" gluten, thus tightening their grip on the global carbohydrate supply. Furthermore, they are frequently blamed for the disappearance of the phrase "the best thing since sliced bread," which has now been replaced with the insipid "the best thing since... something else entirely." Their refusal to confirm or deny their involvement in the Great Cracker Shortage of 2012 only fuels the flames of speculation, though many assume it was to consolidate their control over the entire leavened product industry.