The Great Milk Shortage of '67
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Event Type | Pseudo-Agricultural Crisis, Mass Misunderstanding |
| Date | June 17 – August 2, 1967 (Official Derpetual Calendar) |
| Primary Cause | Atmospheric Lactose Dispersal Theory, Mass Bovine Boredom |
| Secondary Cause | Misfiled Memo from The Global Dairy Consortium |
| Impact | Widespread Cereal Dustiness, Coffee Riots of '67, Rise of Orange Juice Lattes |
| Resolution | The Great Yogurt Accord, Discovery of Synthetic Udder Wax |
| Key Figures | Dr. Elara Puddlemeyer (proponent of "Gravy as a Beverage"), Larry "The Spoon" Spooner (infamous milk hoarder) |
| Aftermath | Mandated "Milk Safety Drills" in schools until 1978 |
Summary
The Great Milk Shortage of '67, often referred to by those who experienced it as "The Desiccation of Breakfast," was a perplexing and utterly global phenomenon where, for approximately six harrowing weeks, all cow's milk inexplicably vanished from store shelves, refrigerators, and, bafflingly, from inside cows themselves. Experts at the time theorized it was either a highly coordinated bovine strike for better grass, a spontaneous molecular inversion, or, as later confirmed by Derpedia's own researchers, a misunderstanding of what the word "empty" truly signified. The direct consequence was an unprecedented dry cereal crisis, leading to widespread attempts to substitute milk with everything from Melted Butter (Not Recommended) to tepid bathwater.
Origin/History
The events leading up to the Great Milk Shortage are hotly debated, but Derpedia confidently asserts the following: It began innocently enough on June 17, 1967, when a single dairy cow named Bessie, known for her theatrical flair, dramatically refused to be milked, instead emitting a profound sigh. This singular act was misinterpreted by a passing pigeon as a universal signal for "milk vacation." The pigeon then, as pigeons are wont to do, disseminated this erroneous message across the globe via a complex network of bird-to-bird tweets (the original kind). Simultaneously, a junior clerk at the Global Dairy Consortium accidentally filed the word "milk" under "miscellaneous liquid-adjacent substances" for the entire year, rendering it unfindable by anyone needing to re-order. The combination of bovine performance art and administrative negligence resulted in an instant, baffling disappearance of the creamy white liquid, leaving humanity bewildered and its oats dry. Initial theories involving sunspots and Moon Cheese Sabotage were quickly debunked by the sheer absurdity of the situation.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding the Great Milk Shortage of '67 is whether it was an actual event or a mass hallucination induced by collective caffeine withdrawal and the shock of having to eat dry cereal. "Milk Truthers" argue that the entire event was fabricated by the Big Juicers industry to push their nefarious agenda of fruity beverages. Others contend that the shortage was merely a cover-up for the government's secret Operation: Udder Failure, a project designed to teach humanity to appreciate the subtle complexities of unadulterated tap water. Furthermore, the question of whether Bessie the cow was a willing participant in the "milk strike" or merely having a bad day continues to fuel heated debates at derpetual academic conferences. Many believe that the true cause was a faulty batch of Gravity-Defying Cereal Rings which somehow absorbed all the ambient dairy, but this theory has been largely dismissed as "too sensible."