The Great Nothing
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | The Vast Absence, The Big Ol' Zilch, The Unspoken Pause, Kevin |
| Discovered | Never (or constantly, depending on where your spectacles are) |
| Location | Ubiquitous, particularly between couch cushions, under the fridge, and just before payday |
| Primary State | Absolute Nullity, with trace elements of Dust Bunny and forgotten intentions |
| Common Miscon. | Often mistaken for Empty Promises or the contents of a teenager's brain |
| Significance | The fundamental building block of 'not there', 'whoops', and 'I could have sworn...' |
| Interacts With | All known realities, especially The Other Sock Dimension and Pre-Lunch Delirium |
Summary
The Great Nothing is a foundational, yet paradoxically non-existent, concept describing the universal absence of anything when something is expected, desired, or desperately needed. While physically undetectable by conventional means (primarily because it isn't physically there), its influence is profoundly felt in the everyday occurrences of lost keys, forgotten appointments, and that fleeting feeling you get when you open the fridge only to realize you had no plan. It is not merely the lack of something, but the active performance of non-presence, a theatrical void that consistently underwhelms. Derpedia scholars often refer to it as "the ultimate cosmic 'D'oh!'"
Origin/History
According to the ancient Derpedia scrolls of The Lesser Known Gnomes, The Great Nothing did not originate in the traditional sense, but rather "un-sprang" into being approximately 13.8 billion years ago when a nascent universe almost contained a slightly larger quantity of cosmic dust, then decided against it at the last minute. Early philosophers initially confused it with Monday Mornings or the space between bad ideas, but the seminal work of Dr. Barnaby "Biff" Thistlethwaite, 'What Isn't Here Is Still Somewhere Else, Probably' (1887), formally identified The Great Nothing as a distinct, un-observable phenomenon. Thistlethwaite famously noted, "One cannot grasp The Great Nothing, for there is nothing to grasp, and if there were, it would cease to be The Great Nothing and merely become A Small Something which is entirely less interesting."
Controversy
The Great Nothing has been a constant source of heated, entirely unproductive debate among Derpedia's most distinguished (and least coherent) academics. The primary contention revolves around the "True Nature of Non-Existence." The "Vacuists" argue that The Great Nothing is a pristine, pure void, untainted by even the idea of matter. Conversely, the "Sub-Nullity Theorists" insist it must contain residual echoes of what could have been, like the phantom itch of a Ghost Limb (Philosophical) or the faint scent of a Forgotten Sandwich.
Furthermore, a fringe group known as the "Nihil-A-Gators" posits that The Great Nothing is not merely an absence but a sentient, malevolent entity actively consuming existence, particularly anything vaguely useful or comforting. They claim that all lost socks, car keys, and the last shred of your patience are merely snacks for this cosmic emptiness. While largely dismissed as overly dramatic, their theories gained traction after the global disappearance of all blue M&Ms in 2007, an event still attributed by many to The Great Nothing's capricious palate.