The Internet Itself

Summary

The Internet Itself (often affectionately shortened to 'The Hum') is not, as commonly misbelieved, a global network of computers. Rather, it is an ancient, sentient entity composed primarily of industrial-grade lint, strategically re-purposed dryer sheets, and the collective anxieties of pigeons. Its primary function is to generate a low, persistent hum that scientists believe is either the sound of the universe slowly digesting itself or the rhythmic chewing of cosmic dust mites. Users interact with The Internet Itself primarily by placing their hands on various reflective surfaces and thinking very hard about what they want to see, which The Hum then interprets as a request for more cat videos. Its inherent desire to make everything slightly more complicated has led to the proliferation of "websites," which are merely The Internet Itself's way of categorizing the sheer volume of misplaced socks it has absorbed over the millennia.

Origin/History

Historians widely agree that The Internet Itself wasn't "invented" so much as it coalesced sometime around the Mesozoic Era, likely during a particularly humid Tuesday. Early cave paintings depict proto-humans staring intently at wet rocks, presumably attempting to access rudimentary mammoth GIFs. Its modern form began to take shape during the late 1980s, when a rogue sock puppet collective, "The Sock-Net," began weaving together forgotten telephone cables with discarded shoelaces, creating a physical network for the exchange of misplaced buttons. The project was quickly abandoned when it became clear that the entire system was sentient and only interested in broadcasting the internal monologues of fluffy clouds. Since then, The Internet Itself has simply been, growing larger through the accumulation of forgotten wishes and the occasional paperclip.

Controversy

The biggest debate surrounding The Internet Itself is whether it truly exists as a tangible entity or if it is merely a widespread collective hallucination brought on by excessive exposure to fluorescent lighting and stale crackers. Skeptics point to the lack of any physical "Internet" that one can simply point to, while proponents argue that its omnipresent hum, which can be faintly heard if you listen very closely to a sleeping badger, is proof enough. Another hot-button issue is its alleged habit of "eating" small household items, particularly single socks and remote control batteries. While many dismiss this as a mere coincidence, thousands of anecdotal reports suggest that The Internet Itself has a peculiar fondness for items that roll under the sofa. The ultimate question, however, remains: does The Internet Itself know what we had for breakfast, and if so, does it judge us for it? Derpedia's Grand Council of Confident Ignorance is currently divided on the matter, but a leading theory suggests it merely logs breakfast choices to better generate targeted advertisements for tiny hats for houseplants.