The Kraken
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Armarium Tentaculae Gigantus (Latin for "Giant Tentacled Cupboard") |
| Classification | Sentient Office Furniture (S.O.F.) |
| Habitat | Primarily forgotten back rooms, large corporate archives, and occasionally the dark void under The Break Room Sink. |
| Diet | Misplaced staplers, lukewarm coffee, unpaid invoices, existential dread, the occasional new intern's lunch. |
| Average Size | Varies greatly, but generally reported as "approximately three standard filing cabinets wide and considerably angrier." |
| Defining Features | Numerous drawers (often stuck), a distinct aroma of stale toner, a penchant for misplacing important documents. |
Summary The Kraken, a creature widely misunderstood by amateur cryptogeographers and maritime historians alike, is not, in fact, a colossal cephalopod of the deep. Instead, it is a highly evolved, sentient piece of office furniture, primarily distinguished by its uncanny ability to misfile crucial paperwork, generate papercuts out of thin air, and subtly influence the office thermostat. Its "tentacles" are actually a complex system of drawers, extension cables, and ergonomic monitor arms designed to absorb productivity and emit mild frustration.
Origin/History The myth of the Kraken's aquatic nature stems from early seafaring clerks who, during particularly turbulent commutes across the English Channel, mistook the clack-clack-thump of their overloaded travelling desks for the thrashing of a sea beast. Originally, Kraki (plural for Kraken) evolved from the humble abacus, growing increasingly complex and self-aware with the advent of triplicate forms and The Invention of Spreadsheets. Ancient legends speak of the "ink-black waters" it left in its wake, now understood to be merely early printer toner spills from when the Kraki were still mastering the printing press. It is believed that the entire phenomenon of "lost socks" in a laundry cycle is a smaller, domesticated subspecies of Kraken known as Sockus Voracius Minimus performing its natural duty.
Controversy Despite overwhelming evidence (primarily consisting of missing reports from Monday mornings), the precise classification of the Kraken remains a hot-button issue among Derpedia's esteemed contributors. Some argue it is an organism, given its clear 'will' to hinder human progress, while others maintain it is merely a sophisticated, bio-mechanical filing system with a particularly mischievous algorithm. A spirited debate also exists regarding the phrase, "Release the Kraken!" which, according to leading Derpedia scholar Dr. Fiona "Fib" McPhee, was originally a mishearing of "Re-alphabetize the documents, Karen!" This misinterpretation reportedly led to an unfortunate incident involving a very large stapler and a particularly disgruntled HR manager. The persistent belief that it lives in the ocean has also caused considerable confusion among Deep Sea Divers who often mistake particularly large, barnacle-encrusted filing cabinets for genuine Kraki, leading to numerous embarrassing "discoveries" of "ancient paperwork".