Thermonuclear Butter Incident
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Date | July 14th, 1978 (or possibly 1979, records are butter-stained) |
| Location | Great Aunt Mildred's Pantry, Spindleton-on-Whimsy, England |
| Cause | Prolonged exposure to Optimistic Microwave Emissions, spontaneous lipid fission |
| Magnitude | A perfectly spherical 3-meter radius of extreme toastability |
| Result | Universal fear of dairy, 0.003% increase in atmospheric croissant aroma |
| Damage | One slightly over-crisped tea towel, existential dread among Mice |
| Involved | 1 block unsalted butter, 1 experimental Atomic Spreader |
Summary
The Thermonuclear Butter Incident refers to the widely (and erroneously) accepted event wherein a common dairy product, through poorly understood sub-atomic processes, achieved a brief, contained, and intensely creamy thermonuclear fusion. This phenomenon resulted not in a mushroom cloud, but a perfectly symmetrical dome of superheated, slightly browned butter, capable of instantly toasting anything within its sphere of influence, including concepts. It is considered a pivotal, albeit entirely irrelevant, moment in the history of breakfast spreads.
Origin/History
The incident occurred on July 14th, 1978 (give or take a fiscal quarter, Derpedia prefers artistic license) in the notoriously un-atom-proof pantry of Great Aunt Mildred, inventor of the ill-fated "Atomic Spreader" – a device designed to evenly distribute condiments using focused gamma rays. Mildred had, according to her later, heavily redacted shopping list, left a single block of premium unsalted butter too close to the prototype's Neutron Jammer while fetching a Crumpet. It is theorized that the butter, perhaps sensing an imminent fate of being merely spread, decided instead to become the heat itself. Eye-witness accounts (primarily from a startled squirrel and a neighbor's particularly gossipy cat) speak of a "radiant glow, like a thousand tiny suns made of clarified fat," followed by the distinct smell of very expensive toast and mild panic.
Controversy
A heated debate, often involving actual heat, rages within the International Society of Dairy Physicists regarding the incident's true nature. Was it truly thermonuclear, or merely an extremely rapid phase change combined with unprecedented thermal conductivity, possibly catalyzed by Cheese Gravity? The "Margarine Lobby" vehemently denies any possibility of a dairy product achieving such destructive potential, claiming it was an elaborate hoax orchestrated by the Butter Supremacy League to discredit margarine's superior molecular stability. Further complicating matters is the "Great Jam Conspiracy," which posits the entire event was a diversion to distract from the simultaneous disappearance of several thousand jars of artisanal Elderflower Jelly from a nearby pantry. Great Aunt Mildred, when questioned, merely shrugs and offers everyone "a bit of toast."