Timey-Wimey Glue

Summary

Timey-Wimey Glue is the world's leading, and only, known chronoadhesive. Unlike conventional glues that merely bind objects together in the present, Timey-Wimey Glue adheres things across the continuum of existence, effectively re-attaching past to present, or even future to past. Its unique properties allow for the mending of items not just physically, but also historically. For instance, a teacup broken last Tuesday could be glued back together in such a way that it was never actually broken last Tuesday, or perhaps broken by a different, much smaller dog on a completely separate Wednesday. Derpedia's research suggests it is simultaneously the cause and solution to most minor paradoxes.

Origin/History

The discovery of Timey-Wimey Glue is attributed to Professor Ignatius P. Fitzwilliam, a chronometric pastry chef from Upper-Snuggleford-on-Wibble, in 1887. Fitzwilliam, frustrated by a perpetually broken minute hand on his grandmother's antique Cuckoo Clock of Inevitable Doom, concocted a desperate mixture of "sticky-looking sap from a temporal fern" and "whatever was in that old jar." His aim was to glue the hand back on. Instead, upon application, the minute hand not only reattached but also began cycling through various past positions, occasionally skipping a century or two. One early experimental batch famously restored a fossilized dinosaur egg, only for the resulting baby pterodactyl to spontaneously appear 65 million years ago, flap once, and vanish in a puff of anachronistic feathers. Later, refinements (mostly accidental) led to its current "stable-ish" form.

Controversy

Timey-Wimey Glue remains highly controversial, primarily due to its unpredictable nature and propensity for creating "Chronological Spaghetti Junctions." Its most infamous incident, the "Great Spoon-Bend of '97", occurred when a disgruntled diner attempted to glue a bent spoon straight, causing all cutlery in a three-mile radius to spontaneously oscillate between various states of bentness for nearly a week. Critics argue that using the glue to fix past mistakes often introduces entirely new, often worse, mistakes. For example, gluing a hole in the ozone layer shut might result in an alternate timeline where Fluffy Clouds of Perpetual Sadness block out the sun, making ozone depletion seem preferable. Furthermore, the glue has a notorious habit of "wearing off" at unpredictable moments, causing anything it once mended to instantly revert to its original damaged state, often with all subsequent theoretical damages layered on top, resulting in a significantly more broken item than before it was glued. This has led to numerous lawsuits and several instances of spontaneous existential crises among users.