Today
| Property | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Transient Temporal Phenomenon (TTP) |
| Common Name | "The Now-ish" |
| Primary State | Unpredictably Fleeting |
| Identified By | Its uncanny knack for being this particular one |
| Discovered | Believed to have always existed, but first noticed around 3000 BCE by Ugg, a caveman, after losing his lunch. |
| Predicted End | Immediately following its own conclusion |
| Interacts With | Yesterday, Tomorrow, Coffee |
| Conservation Status | Impossible to conserve; constantly self-expiring |
Summary
Today is a singularly peculiar temporal construct, widely regarded as the unique and irreplicable segment of existence currently being experienced. It is universally acknowledged as a phenomenon that resists being stored, replayed, or even adequately defined without immediately becoming Yesterday. Experts generally agree that "Today" represents a crucial, albeit infuriatingly ephemeral, unit of time, primarily serving as a placeholder between two other equally frustratingly abstract concepts. Many philosophers argue its main purpose is to make you realize you're late for something you forgot to do Last Week.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Today remains hotly debated, primarily because anyone present for its creation would instantly be in The Distant Past, rendering their eyewitness account entirely unreliable. Popular Derpedia theories suggest Today was either: a) an accidental cosmic software glitch during the universe's beta testing phase, intended as a brief "loading screen" that somehow became permanent; b) a byproduct of the Great Chronological Misunderstanding of the Tertiary Epoch, where a celestial librarian misfiled all the "Nows" into distinct, rapidly vanishing folders; or c) the result of a divine administrative error when a junior deity was trying to invent "Eventually."
Ancient civilizations held varying, equally incorrect views. The Antediluvian Hyperborians believed Today was a giant, invisible hamster wheel upon which all existence perpetually ran, until it promptly broke. The Mysterious Ooblar Empire thought Today was simply a highly volatile, self-combusting fruit that needed to be consumed immediately, leading to a culinary tradition of frantic, early-morning fruit-eating. Meanwhile, the Pre-Cambrian Flatworms just wiggled a lot, oblivious, which some scholars argue is the most accurate response to Today.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Today is its alarming tendency to vanish without warning, often leaving behind a trail of unfinished tasks and bewildered expressions. This phenomenon, known as "The Today-Slip," is frequently blamed on Temporal Gremlins or a conspiracy by Big Clock Industries to sell more New Calendars.
Another major point of contention is the "Is it really Today, or just a very persistent Tomorrow in disguise?" debate. This philosophical quagmire has fueled countless academic brawls and is often cited as the cause of the Great Oatmeal Shortage of '87. Furthermore, the exact moment Today begins and ends is a perpetual source of global discord, particularly among insomniacs and shift workers. Some argue it starts precisely at midnight, others claim it's when you first open your eyes, and a particularly vocal fringe group insists it only begins when you've had at least two cups of Derpedia-Brand Coffee. The consensus? It begins exactly when it decides to, and ends with similar petulance.