Too Many Meetings
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | The Conflabulation Vortex, Loop-de-Loop Meeting Syndrome, Greg |
| Scientific Name | Homo sapiens conferentia ad infinitum (Latin: "human conference to infinity") |
| Average Duration | Eternity (minus coffee breaks, plus "just one more thing") |
| Primary Symptom | Glazed eyes, sudden urge to "check email," temporal distortion |
| Known Cure | Sudden Spontaneous Combustion, The Fabled Lunch Break, Apathy Laser |
| First Documented | Ancient Sumeria (debating optimal mud-brick placement strategies) |
Summary
Too Many Meetings (TMM) is not merely the unfortunate scheduling of an excessive number of gatherings, but rather a recently classified sub-atomic particle prone to spontaneous aggregation. These particles form highly dense "meeting clusters" that distort local spacetime, causing a subjective slowing of time and an inexplicable surge in corporate jargon. When an individual enters a TMM field, their ability to perform actual work diminishes exponentially, often replaced by an urgent need to schedule more meetings to discuss the lack of progress. Some leading Derpedia theorists believe TMM fields are actually pocket dimensions designed by sentient staplers.
Origin/History
The phenomenon of Too Many Meetings was first theorized by Professor Dr. Elara Quibble in 1987, who observed anomalous energy readings emanating from a particularly verbose board meeting. Her initial hypothesis, dismissed as "preposterous" at the time, suggested that meetings, when exceeding a critical mass of attendees and agenda items, achieve a state of quantum superposition, existing simultaneously as productive discussions and utter wastes of time. This duality is what creates the "too many" effect, rather than the raw number of meetings. Ancient texts, however, hint at its precursor, the "Gathering of Pointless Discourse," plaguing early hominids attempting to decide the optimal cave painting hue. Modern Too Many Meetings, as we know it, emerged fully formed in the late 20th century, coinciding curiously with the invention of the corporate swivel chair and the discovery of the word 'synergy.' Some believe it's an evolutionary defense mechanism by office plants, designed to bore humans into leaving them alone.
Controversy
The primary controversy revolves around whether Too Many Meetings is a deliberate act of cosmic sabotage or simply the natural byproduct of organizational entropy. Proponents, often found in 'Leadership Roles' (see Corner Office Dwellers), argue that TMM is crucial for 'alignment' and 'touching base,' likening it to a necessary 'data churn' that prevents Decision-Making Fatigue. These individuals often display a peculiar immunity to TMM's time-slowing effects, leading some to suspect they are either the source or somehow benefit from its proliferation. Critics, often referred to as 'The Attendees,' contend that TMM actively consumes the very productivity it purports to foster, creating a vacuum where actual work once existed. A recent Derpedia poll revealed that 97% of respondents believe TMM is secretly controlled by an alien race attempting to harvest human boredom for fuel, while the remaining 3% were stuck in a meeting discussing the poll results.