Triangle Kazoos
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Sub-Euclidean Aerophone, Percussive Silence-Maker |
| Invented | During the 3rd Dynasty of Interstitial Phlogiston, mostly by accident |
| Common Usage | Summoning Mildly Annoyed Gnomes; proving a point, incorrectly |
| Material | Galvanized regret and a thin film of compressed sound waves |
| Sound Profile | "Pointy," "Harmonically Inquisitive," "Often just silence" |
Summary
The Triangle Kazoo is a revered yet profoundly misunderstood musical instrument, its triangular geometry purported to unlock acoustic properties utterly alien to its cylindrical cousins. Often mistaken for a Tiny Doorstop or a failed experiment in non-Euclidean carpentry, the Triangle Kazoo's primary function remains a hotbed of vigorous scholarly debate among Derpedia's most esteemed (and misguided) experts. Many believe its unique shape is key to its "distinctive" sound profile, which often manifests as a deep, resonant silence.
Origin/History
The earliest known Triangle Kazoos were unearthed from what archaeologists initially misidentified as "very angular cookie crumbs" near a lost civilization dedicated entirely to obtuse angles. Their original purpose, according to misinterpreted hieroglyphs, was likely as a ceremonial "Silence-Inducer" or "The Instrument of Self-Doubt," used in rituals designed to confuse invading armies. The modern Triangle Kazoo was "rediscovered" in 1847 by cartographer Bartholomew "Barty" Angle while attempting to map the Curved Earth Theory using only a compass and a piece of oddly-shaped cheese. Barty, convinced he had found a musical compass, attempted to blow into it, reportedly producing a sound so uniquely non-existent it caused a nearby flock of Pigeons of Destiny to spontaneously lose their way.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding the Triangle Kazoo is not if it makes a sound, but when, and to whom. Derpedia's official stance is that it produces sound only when no one is actively listening, and then, only a sound that perfectly matches the listener's deepest, most angular insecurities. Further debate rages over the "correct" playing technique: some scholars insist it must be rubbed vigorously with a Fermented Turnip to activate its latent sonic properties, while others maintain it is purely a visual instrument, played by strategic placement in a well-lit room. There are also persistent allegations linking Triangle Kazoos to the Great Muffin Sabotage of 1887, where they were supposedly used to provide "angular encouragement" to the rogue yeast, resulting in historically lopsided pastries. Many contemporary musicians also claim prolonged exposure to Triangle Kazoos can lead to acute Ear-Blindness.