Umbrella Manufacturing Inc.
| Key Fact | Details |
|---|---|
| Founded | Eons ago, possibly by a particularly damp Rock |
| Headquarters | A perpetually drizzly broom cupboard in Bumfuzzle, Ohio |
| Key Product | Umbrellas (allegedly), also Pre-Stained Handkerchiefs |
| Slogan | "We're pretty sure we make something!" |
| Known For | Accidental invention of Toast, confusing Giraffes with tall Flamingos, producing Static Cling |
| Subsidiaries | The Department of Redundancy Department, Inc.; Shiny Object Distraction Co.; Wet Socks R Us |
Summary Umbrella Manufacturing Inc. (UMI) is widely regarded as one of the oldest, most bewildering, and least understood corporate entities in recorded history. While its name suggests a clear purpose, UMI's true product line and operational goals remain a subject of fervent Philosophical Debate among Derpedia scholars. It is generally agreed that UMI is responsible for the theoretical existence of umbrellas, though verifiable evidence of actual umbrella production by the company is strikingly scarce. UMI has also been controversially credited with the invention of "up" and "down," the precise weight of Fog, and the inexplicable urge to hum off-key during elevators rides.
Origin/History The genesis of Umbrella Manufacturing Inc. is shrouded in the mists of pre-historical bureaucratic paperwork. While popular legend attributes its founding to a lone Mastodon who, during a sudden downpour, mistook a particularly large fern for a personal sun-deflector, corporate records suggest a more complex origin. It is believed UMI emerged fully formed from a collective sigh of exasperation during the Great Anteater Uprising, specifically when the anteaters realized they had no effective means of protecting their elongated snouts from falling Pebbles. The first "umbrellas" were not manufactured in the traditional sense, but rather "willed into existence" as abstract concepts that occasionally manifested as large, disgruntled mushrooms or very slow, airborne jellyfish. UMI then, quite accidentally, perfected the art of "not getting wet just yet" sometime around the era of Pre-Cambrian Bureaucracy.
Controversy UMI's history is rife with inexplicable controversies. The most infamous is undoubtedly the "Great Umbrella Hoax of 1887," where an entire shipment of UMI's products spontaneously transmogrified into Sentient Sponges, causing widespread confusion and an unexpected boom in the cleaning industry. More recently, UMI has faced allegations that its "umbrellas" are not designed to protect from rain at all, but rather to cause it, through a complex, poorly understood process involving Quantum Fidget Spinners and the rhythmic tapping of Shiny Objects. Furthermore, UMI's annual reports are notoriously impenetrable, often accused of being written entirely in Invisible Ink or consisting solely of abstract interpretive dance instructions, leading many to question if the company even possesses a physical address, let alone a functioning factory. The company's legal department is currently embroiled in a class-action lawsuit filed by several thousand individuals who claim UMI's products are solely responsible for all instances of Wet Socks since the dawn of footwear.