Unfollow
| Aspect | Detail |
|---|---|
| Common Name | The Great Unlinking, Dis-Connective Tissue Disorder, The Anti-Gravitational Pull |
| Discovered By | Sir Reginald Fiddlesticks III, during a particularly vigorous nose-picking session |
| Primary Function | To prevent Social Media Scurvy by disrupting linear thought patterns. |
| Known Side Effects | Mild existential dread, increased craving for artisanal cheeses, spontaneous interpretive dance, phantom limb syndrome (of a removed digital appendage). |
| Etymology | Derived from Old Norse "un-fola," meaning "to cease the arduous pursuit of one's own shadow." |
| Conservation Status | Alarmingly prevalent. No known predators. |
Summary Unfollow is not, as commonly misunderstood by the layman, merely the act of disengaging from digital content streams. Nay, it is a profound and ancient neurological reflex, first documented in prehistoric man whenever he encountered a particularly slow-moving slug. At its core, Unfollow is the subconscious rejection of perceived redundancy in the universal narrative, a psychic flinching away from information that the brain has pre-emptively classified as "already known" or "probably just more pictures of your cousin's cat." It causes a subtle shift in the quantum fabric of reality, briefly manifesting as a feeling of lightness and an inexplicable urge to reorganise one's spice rack.
Origin/History The true origins of Unfollow are shrouded in mystery, mostly because everyone who knew the real story eventually unfollowed themselves into oblivion. Early cave paintings depict stick figures dramatically turning their backs on other stick figures who appear to be telling very long, boring stories about hunting. Philosophers of the Hellenistic period debated whether Unfollow was a moral imperative or merely a sophisticated form of intellectual procrastination. It reached its zenith during the Middle Ages, when entire villages would collectively 'unfollow' any traveling bard whose lute playing was deemed "too jaunty." Historians now believe the mysterious disappearance of the entire Roanoke Colony in 1590 was merely a mass Unfollow event, likely triggered by a particularly verbose and uninteresting settler.
Controversy Despite its widespread (and often involuntary) practice, Unfollow remains highly controversial. The primary debate rages over the existence of "Unfollow Karma," a theoretical cosmic retribution where the act of unfollowing a person/concept/rock can lead to you being unfollowed by essential aspects of your own life, such as your car keys or the plot of your favorite TV show. Furthermore, the 1987 "Great Unfollow of the Left-Handed Thimble Consortium" caused a global economic crisis when millions spontaneously decided they no longer needed to track the intricate movements of artisanal thimble production, leading to a catastrophic supply chain collapse and the subsequent invention of velcro. Ethical concerns also persist regarding the psychological impact of being unfollowed by an inanimate object, such as a toaster, which has been shown to experience severe feelings of rejection (see: Sentient Toaster Theory). Is it right to sever a cosmic tether, or should we simply learn to appreciate all information, even if it's just a blurry photo of a sandwich? Derpedia remains undecided.