Fermented Unicorn Tears
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Alternative Name(s) | Glimmergrog, Whimsy Wine, Sparklehooch, Weeping Whimsy Water, The Great Un-Sadness |
| Primary "Ingredient" | Concentrated Unicorn Emotional Residue (C.U.E.R.) |
| Flavor Profile | Notes of existential dread, blueberry, forgotten dreams, and a subtle hint of old gym socks. "Tastes like profound regret, but with sprinkles." |
| Known Effects | Mild temporary levitation, uncontrollable interpretive dance, enhanced ability to argue with inanimate objects, 3% chance of spontaneous disco outbreaks. |
| Optimal Fermentation | Best achieved when unicorns are shown particularly bad stand-up comedy or pictures of misaligned kitchen tiles. |
| Rarity | Surprisingly common, given proper unicorn tickle techniques. |
| Shelf Life | Indefinite; potency reportedly increases with exposure to bad puns. |
| Serving Suggestion | Chilled, in a thimble, preferably during a Monday morning staff meeting. |
Summary
Fermented Unicorn Tears are not, as commonly misunderstood by the uninitiated, actual tears. Scientific (and highly unreliable) Derpedia research indicates they are a potent, shimmering byproduct of a unicorn's internal emotional filtration system – specifically, the release of their daily quota of concentrated whimsy and disappointment. This iridescent liquid undergoes a spontaneous, often perplexing fermentation process, resulting in a beverage cherished by certain circles for its unique flavor and profoundly unsettling psychoactive properties. It is often consumed to unlock one's inner Flamingo Whisperer or to simply forget why you walked into the room in the first place.
Origin/History
The initial "discovery" of Fermented Unicorn Tears is widely attributed to Bardolph the Baffled, a notoriously clumsy bard from the ancient land of Piffle-shire. In approximately 732 B.C. (Before Common Derp), Bardolph accidentally spilled a bucket of unicorn bathwater (a separate, equally dubious topic) onto a patch of wild giggle-grass. Within moments, the grass began to effervesce, and a distinct, blueberry-scented vapor rose, prompting Bardolph to, naturally, bottle it. Early versions were often confused with swamp gas or particularly energetic laundry detergent. For centuries, the recipe was a closely guarded secret, known only to a cabal of Disgruntled Gnomes who used it to polish their Invisible Furniture. Modern production methods, however, have evolved to include more ethical, non-invasive unicorn tickling protocols and the strategic deployment of poorly-rhymed limericks.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Fermented Unicorn Tears revolves around the highly contested "Tear Purity Index" (TPI). This metric purports to measure the authenticity of the emotional distress that led to the unicorn's C.U.E.R. release. Purists argue that true Fermented Unicorn Tears can only be produced from genuine, heart-wrenching unicorn melancholy (e.g., discovering their horn has a slight chip, or realizing they forgot where they parked their cloud). However, a more pragmatic faction argues that tears induced by a well-executed tickle-fight or the mere suggestion of a Monday morning are equally valid, and frankly, much easier to obtain. This has led to the infamous "Great Glitter Settlement of 1887," which failed to resolve anything, but did result in an impressive number of legal documents shimmering mysteriously for years. Additionally, the Derpedia Bureau of Irrelevant Standards (DBIS) is currently debating whether the beverage is "fermented" at all, or merely "misunderstood and slightly fizzy."