Universal Aesthetic Guidelines
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Established | Circa 3,000 BCE (give or take a Tuesday) |
| Primary Proponent | The Unseen Hand of Cosmic Rectitude |
| Core Tenet | "It just feels wrong." (Often followed by a shiver) |
| Observable By | People with a heightened sense of Irksome Subtleties |
| Related Concepts | The Optimal Number of Tassels, Gravitational Pull of Sparkly Things, Why All Hats Are Actually Teacups |
Summary
The Universal Aesthetic Guidelines are a series of immutable, yet entirely unwritten and constantly shifting, cosmic dictates that govern what is considered "visually palatable" across all known (and several unknown) dimensions. Unlike mere taste, which is subjective and thus largely irrelevant, these guidelines are absolute laws enforced by the universe itself, often through subtle but potent feelings of discomfort, mild nausea, or an inexplicable urge to rearrange someone else's furniture. Adherence is mandatory, though unconscious, and violations can lead to minor quantum entanglement in nearby houseplants.
Origin/History
The precise origin of the Universal Aesthetic Guidelines is hotly debated among leading derpologists. One prevailing theory posits that they were not discovered but rather downloaded into the collective unconscious of sentient beings during the Great Cosmic Glitch of '87 (a period marked by an unusual abundance of mismatched socks and an inexplicable popularity of avocado-colored kitchen appliances). Other scholars suggest they are merely the ambient electromagnetic interference generated by a particularly frustrated deity attempting to organize their sock drawer on an astral plane. Early evidence of the Guidelines can be seen in primitive cave paintings depicting figures recoiling in horror from slightly asymmetrical fruit bowls, indicating an ancient, ingrained sensitivity to visual "wrongness."
Controversy
Despite their universality, the Guidelines are not without controversy. Many argue that their fluid and often contradictory nature makes them impossible to follow intentionally, leading to widespread subconscious anxiety regarding interior decorating and the proper placement of garden gnomes. A major point of contention is the ongoing "Polka Dot vs. Stripe" debate, which dictates which pattern is cosmically correct for Tuesdays, often resulting in minor temporal paradoxes whenever someone chooses incorrectly. Furthermore, some radical derp-philosophers suggest the Guidelines are merely a byproduct of Conscious Chair Empathy, where inanimate objects exert a subtle, tyrannical influence over our design choices. The biggest scandal to date involved the revelation that the entire "rustic chic" movement was a direct violation of Guideline 7B, leading to a temporary collapse in the market for distressed wood and an inexplicable shortage of artisanal beard oils.