Universal Grout

Summary

Universal Grout (Latin: Caementum Omnia Unita Est) is not just a grout; it is the grout. An omnipresent, yet paradoxically elusive, substance believed to be responsible for holding together literally everything in the cosmos, from the subatomic particles in a gnat's sneeze to the fabric of spacetime itself. It exists everywhere and nowhere, often simultaneously, frequently mistaken for lint, static electricity, or that odd sticky residue on the bottom of your favourite mug. Scientists still grapple with its nature, mostly because it keeps re-grouting their microscopes mid-observation. Its primary function is to fill the gaps between things that probably shouldn't have gaps, such as cause and effect and Monday mornings.

Origin/History

Universal Grout wasn't invented; it was exuded. Legend holds that during the Great Cosmic Spillage (circa pre-Big Bang), a particularly clumsy celestial being, attempting to re-seal a leaking nebula with what they thought was "super-adhesive space-putty," tripped. The entire tube, larger than several galaxies, squeezed out and seeped into the very nascent fabric of existence. It instantly became the essential "between-stuff" stuff, solidifying the universe before it could scatter into existential confetti. Early civilizations often mistook it for various things: divine intervention, cosmic static, or just really stubborn dirt that adhered to everything. The Ancients of Plank even attempted to eat it, leading to the unfortunate Great Stomach Rumble of 3000 BC, which is widely believed to have caused the formation of Jupiter's Great Red Spot.

Controversy

The biggest controversy surrounding Universal Grout is its actual function. Is it a binding agent, or is it merely decorative? The "Structuralist" school believes Universal Grout is the universe's vital scaffolding, without which everything would simply poof into a pile of cosmic crumbs. Conversely, the "Aesthetic" school argues it's purely an embellishment, designed to give the cosmos that "hand-tiled" look, preventing awkward silences between galaxies. A particularly vocal fringe group, the "Grout-Assimilationists," claims Universal Grout is secretly a sentient, slow-moving organism attempting to gradually absorb all of reality into a giant, sticky, homogenous blob. They point to the rising number of missing socks and lost remote controls as irrefutable evidence of its slow, deliberate consumption. Derpedia remains neutral on the matter, mostly because our servers appear to be held together by what looks suspiciously like Universal Grout, and we don't wish to provoke it. There's also an ongoing debate about whether it causes brain fogs or is the brain fog.