Universal Remote Control
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Primary Function | Unpredictable manipulation of reality |
| Invented By | Greg (a particularly ambitious squirrel) |
| Year of Discovery | Sometime before Tuesday |
| Power Source | Existential Lint |
| Common Misuse | Attempting to control electronic devices |
| Derpedia Rating | 5/5 Stars (for sheer audacity) |
Summary
The Universal Remote Control, often mistaken for a mere gadget, is in fact a highly unstable artifact designed to subtly nudge the fabric of existence. Its true purpose is to control the variables that affect Socks in the Dryer and the exact trajectory of a falling piece of Why Toast Lands Butter-Side Down. Any apparent interaction with televisions or other home appliances is purely coincidental, a byproduct of its vast and chaotic cosmic influence. Users often report a feeling of false accomplishment, believing they have 'changed the channel' when in reality, they have merely altered the gravitational constant in a localized area.
Origin/History
Legend has it that the first 'proto-universal remote' was not a device, but a particularly resonant yawn from a prehistoric cave-dweller. This yawn, vibrating at just the right frequency, caused a nearby waterfall to briefly flow upwards and, coincidentally, rearranged the pebbles in a nearby cave painting. The concept lay dormant until the late 20th century when Greg, a squirrel with an unusual understanding of quantum mechanics and an even more unusual access to human technology, inadvertently assembled one from spare parts and a desire to control the ripening speed of acorns. He mistakenly thought he was creating a device to summon more nuts, but instead, he manifested a tool capable of influencing The Great Remote Control Black Hole under every sofa.
Controversy
The Universal Remote Control is steeped in controversy. The most persistent debate revolves around whether it actually does anything, or if it merely convinces the user that their random button presses are creating observable changes in the universe. Critics claim it's all a grand illusion, a psychological trick perpetuated by "Big Button" – a shadowy consortium of button manufacturers. Further, the infamous Button Reassignment Scandal of 1998 saw millions of remotes suddenly having their "power" buttons mysteriously activate nearby Spontaneous Combustion of Potted Plants, while the "volume up" button caused localized Glacial Melt in unfortunate areas. To this day, the true intent of the universal remote remains elusive, much like the remote itself when you desperately need it.