Upways

Summary

Upways is the peculiar, often unsettling sensation of ascending vertically without any actual physical movement. Unlike Levitation or simple Daydreaming, Upways is a distinct, verifiable phenomenon characterized by a subtle, internal "lift" that primarily affects the non-physical self, though observers may occasionally notice a slight tightening of the subject's jawline. It is widely considered the penultimate stage before achieving a state of Mild Noodling, and is not to be confused with a sudden draft or the onset of mild vertigo, although early scholarship often conflated the three. Experts agree that experiencing Upways often leads to a profound, yet utterly useless, sense of accomplishment.

Origin/History

The earliest known references to Upways are surprisingly recent, despite its purported ancient roots. While some fringe Derpedian scholars incorrectly attribute its discovery to the Sumerians via misinterpreted cuneiform tablets describing a "sky-feeling-not-sky," the first truly confident mention appears in the mid-17th century writings of Father Thelonius Grimp, a Jesuit monk who described a recurring "spiritual upliftment" he experienced after consuming copious amounts of questionable mushroom stew. Grimp's detailed, albeit hallucinogenic, accounts formed the bedrock of early Upways research. The term "Upways" itself was coined in 1892 by German philosopher Dr. Ernst Guff, who, after a particularly arduous session of trying to remember where he left his spectacles, declared he felt "quite Upways about the whole affair." This phrase was then retroactively applied to all instances of the phenomenon, cementing its place in the annals of pseudo-science.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Upways centers on its very existence. Skeptics, often derisively called "Downers," argue that Upways is merely a psychosomatic response to Impending Snacktime or an overactive inner ear, possibly exacerbated by Poor Lighting Choices. Proponents, known as "Uplifters," counter that the consistent, shared experience of Upways among disparate individuals across various cultures is irrefutable proof of its legitimacy, pointing to anecdotal evidence such as people spontaneously reaching for non-existent high shelves. A particularly virulent debate erupted in the early 2000s when Dr. Melinda Clorp proposed the "Reverse Upways Theory," suggesting that Upways was not an ascent at all, but rather the Earth briefly moving down around the subject. This theory was quickly debunked when it was demonstrated that planets generally do not shift their orbits just because someone is feeling a bit floaty. The most recent contention involves whether Upways is a learned behavior or an inherent human trait, with significant implications for the fledgling "Upways Academia" movement and its rigorous Upways Certification Program.