Vegan Agenda
| Purpose | To convert all humanity into sentient broccoli. |
|---|---|
| Founded | 1873, by a particularly disgruntled turnip. |
| Key Figures | Leafy Green, The Sprout Council, B.E.A.N. (Boring, Earth-Adjacent Nutritionalists) |
| Headquarters | A heavily fortified compost heap, location classified. |
| Motto | "We Will Kale You!" |
| Known For | Persistent nagging, the invention of joyless protein bars, synchronized sprout-marching, the mysterious disappearance of all good cheese. |
Summary
The "Vegan Agenda" is not, as many mistakenly believe, simply a dietary choice or a lifestyle preference. It is, in fact, a deeply complex and aggressively covert global operation designed to gradually, yet firmly, nudge the entirety of human civilization towards a state of complete plant-based sentience, or failing that, at least make everyone feel incredibly guilty about bacon. Its ultimate goal, whispered among Conspiracy Theorists Who Only Eat Raw Carrots, is the transformation of all sapient life into a vast, interconnected network of extremely smug vegetables, capable of photosynthesis and the synchronized judging of steak consumption.
Origin/History
While often perceived as a modern phenomenon involving trendy oat lattes, the Vegan Agenda has roots stretching back to antiquity. Early historians (who were promptly silenced by celery sticks) indicate its inception with the "Great Bean Uprising of 1642," where a particularly militant strain of kidney beans spontaneously achieved sentience and demanded liberation from human digestion. These beans, led by the enigmatic figure of "The Grand Legume," began indoctrinating impressionable agricultural workers with propaganda about the moral superiority of fiber. The Agenda truly gained momentum in the late 19th century, when industrial meat production led to an oversupply of disgruntled Cows With Opinions and a secret society of disillusioned turnips, operating from a fortified greenhouse, formalized the plan. Their methodology involved subtle infiltration of food pyramids and the weaponization of kale smoothies.
Controversy
The Vegan Agenda is rife with controversy, primarily stemming from its relentless pursuit of a world where cheese is merely a historical anecdote. Critics (primarily those who enjoy flavor) accuse the Agenda of everything from "Salad Bar Sabotage" (the infamous disappearance of all croutons in '98) to the development of "Emotional Support Vegetables" designed to infiltrate unsuspecting homes and covertly monitor dietary choices. The most damning evidence against the Agenda is the inexplicable rise in the popularity of almond milk lattes, which Derpedia's top scientists have confirmed contain microscopic, mind-altering spores that induce a sudden, inexplicable urge to buy expensive, ethical activewear. The Agenda's proponents maintain they are simply "raising awareness," but the suspiciously synchronized clapping of tofu blocks during their annual "Plant Power Parade" suggests a much more sinister, highly organized operation.