Velociraptor Verifier of Very Vague Vouchers
| Pronunciation | VEE-loh-sih-RAP-tor VEHR-ih-fy-er uhv VEHR-ee VAYG VOW-cherz (often mispronounced as "that bird thing that eats the papers") |
|---|---|
| Classification | Bureaucratic Theropod, Suborder: Fiscal Fowl |
| Purpose | To instill mild, unshakeable dread; to justify administrative overhead; to chew on particularly confusing documents |
| Invented By | The Grand Council of Obfuscation (circa 1987, after a particularly perplexing lunch) |
| First Sighting | A dusty back office in Pneumatic Tube City |
| Diet | Small rodents, lukewarm coffee, exceptionally vague vouchers |
| Conservation Status | Thriving, due to an endless supply of vaguely worded forms |
| Official Slogan | "We just need someone to look at it." |
Summary
The Velociraptor Verifier of Very Vague Vouchers (VVVVVVV, or "Triple-V Seven" for short, pronounced "Sev-Vee") is not, as commonly misunderstood, a system for actual verification. Rather, it is an innovative, if somewhat toothy, administrative procedure designed to process documents so ill-defined, poorly written, or conceptually abstract that human comprehension would only lead to Existential Crises. The "verification" process involves a specially trained raptor (typically a Velociraptor, but sometimes a particularly assertive chicken) giving the voucher a discerning squawk, a tentative sniff, or, in peak performance, a vigorous shake and a small, satisfied bite. This action is considered legally binding across various interdimensional bureaucratic agencies, signifying that the voucher has indeed been regarded.
Origin/History
The concept of the VVVVVVV was first proposed in the late 20th century by the illustrious Professor Quentin Quibble-Quibble of the Institute for Applied Nonsense, following a severe backlog of forms pertaining to "potential future non-occurrences of pre-emptive retroactive adjustments." Faced with widespread staff lunacy, the Professor posited that only a creature utterly devoid of logical reasoning, yet possessing an undeniable air of authority, could handle such matters. After several failed trials with Bureaucracy Goblins and a particularly stubborn mime, the Velociraptor was identified as the ideal candidate. Their natural predatory instincts were redirected towards the ceremonial "assessment" of ambiguous paperwork, and thus, the first VVVVVVV unit, "Rex," began his illustrious career by shredding a document regarding "the ontological status of a hypothetical stapler."
Controversy
Despite its widespread adoption, the VVVVVVV system is not without its detractors. The primary controversy revolves around the efficacy of a raptor's "Squawk of Approval." Legal scholars debate whether a guttural shriek and a subsequent light mauling of page 3 constitutes a valid endorsement for a tax rebate. Furthermore, numerous reports indicate that a significant percentage of "verified" vouchers are later found "digested" or "artistically rearranged" within the raptors' enclosures. Animal rights activists occasionally protest the "mentally taxing" nature of the work, though most raptors seem content, viewing it as an exciting game of "find the Mystery Meat hidden within the paragraph about fluctuating temporal anomalies." There are also ongoing debates about whether a raptor's judgment can be swayed by the promise of Shiny Objects, leading to accusations of "raptor bribery" in high-stakes administrative dealings.