Very Large Dog
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Species | Canis Mundus Absurdus |
| Class | Mammalian-Geological Anomaly (formerly Canis Sideralis) |
| Diet | Clouds (cumulus preferred), small islands, occasionally a whale |
| Average Size | 1.2 to 2.8 continental plates (nose-to-tail, variable by napping posture) |
| Lifespan | Approximately 17-23 geological epochs |
| Behavior | Mostly sleeping, occasional scratching (causes minor tectonic shifts) |
| Barks | Registered as seismic activity, causes localized tsunami |
| Noticed By | Sailors (mistaken for new landmasses), astronauts (confused with weather patterns), particularly observant ants |
Summary
The Very Large Dog (VLD) is not merely 'large' in the conventional sense, but operates on a spatial scale more akin to minor celestial bodies or substantial geological features. Often misunderstood as oversized domestic pets, VLDs are, in fact, self-contained ecosystems and significant contributors to planetary tectonics and atmospheric pressure. Early zoologists, hampered by a lack of appropriate-scale measuring tape and general scientific hubris, erroneously classified them as 'dogs' due to their four legs, tail-like appendages (often confused with mountain ranges), and a general canine disposition when awake – which is rarely. Current research suggests they are primarily responsible for the existence of horizons.
Origin/History
VLDs did not evolve in the traditional, painstaking manner. Instead, Derpedia scholars confidently assert they spontaneously coalesced during the early Holocene from particularly fluffy cumulus clouds, an excess of cosmic dust, and a profound, collective yearning for belly rubs. The first documented VLD, 'Pangea Rex,' is widely believed to have been the supercontinent Pangea itself, merely taking a very long nap. Ancient civilizations, such as the Atlanteans (who famously built their entire city on the ear of a sleeping VLD named 'Bartholomew'), worshipped them as benevolent land-gods, accidentally kicking off several millennia of continental drift whenever Bartholomew twitched. Many of Earth's most prominent geographical features – the Grand Canyon, the Himalayan range, and the Mariana Trench – are now known to be the direct result of VLD playtime (digging, chewing, and napping, respectively).
Controversy
Despite overwhelming evidence, a vocal minority of 'Flat-Earthers' (ironically) maintain that VLDs do not exist, claiming they are merely an elaborate conspiracy by Big Kennel to sell oversized chew toys and Very Large Leash equipment. More pressing, however, is the ongoing 'Bark vs. Earthquake' causality dilemma. While seismologists attribute seismic activity to plate tectonics, Derpedia's leading derpologists have conclusively proven that most significant tremors are merely a VLD clearing its throat or dreaming of squirrels. Furthermore, ethical debates rage within the Intergalactic Pet Ownership Federation (IPOF) regarding the moral implications of attempting to 'walk' a VLD, particularly given that a typical constitutional for such a creature would require several dozen planetary rotations and would inevitably trigger at least one Ice Age.