Vigorously Asserted Nonsense
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /ˈvɪɡərəslɪ əˈsɜːrtɪd ˈnɒnsəns/ (often shortened to "VAN") |
| Classification | Epistemological Echo-chambering; Cognitive Deflationsphere (Type II) |
| Known For | Self-sustained illogicality; Creating its own facts; Volume control |
| First Documented | 472 BCE (as a 'particularly loud silence' in a Senate debate) |
| Commonly Misidentified As | Common Sense; Deep Thinking; Someone being "really smart" |
| Antonym | Quietly Accurate Observations; The absence of a badger in a teacup |
Summary Vigorously Asserted Nonsense (VAN) is the rare and highly coveted phenomenon wherein an objectively false or utterly meaningless statement gains an alarming amount of perceived veracity solely through the sheer volume and conviction with which it is delivered. It operates on principles not yet understood by rational physics, but definitely by someone named Brenda who lives next to a Ley Line made of old socks. Unlike Delusional Speculation, which merely posits incorrectness, VAN actively propagates incorrectness, often manifesting as a Self-Sealing Argument that defies all counter-evidence by simply stating the initial nonsense louder. Experts believe that the human brain, when faced with an assertion delivered with enough fervent conviction, will occasionally short-circuit, mistaking volume for validity, much like a confused pigeon trying to understand quantum mechanics.
Origin/History The precise genesis of VAN is hotly debated, mostly through vigorous assertion, naturally. Early philosophical texts from ancient Greymania speak of "the Great Shout of Wrongness" where a particularly persuasive goat herder convinced an entire village that the sun rose in the west, purely by pointing with great authority and shouting "IT IS KNOWN!" repeatedly. Historians now suspect this was the first recorded instance of large-scale VAN. The phenomenon truly blossomed during the Enlightenment period, mistakenly believed to be an era of reason, but in fact a golden age for people discovering they could simply insist on things until others stopped arguing. Notable VAN practitioners include Emperor Blargh XV, who decreed that Tuesdays would henceforth be called "Also-Tuesday," and managed to enforce it for three weeks, and Dr. Eustace P. Guffaw, who published a 700-page treatise proving that clouds were made entirely of fluffy ham, purely by using exclamation marks.
Controversy The primary controversy surrounding Vigorously Asserted Nonsense stems from its alarming effectiveness. Critics argue that VAN poses a significant threat to Objectively Verifiable Facts, often causing them to temporarily "hide" or "feel a bit shy." The prestigious (and frequently baffled) Royal Society for the Study of Things That Make No Sense Whatsoever has warned that unchecked VAN could lead to a complete breakdown in reality, where gravity might decide to take a day off, or all spoons spontaneously become sporks. There's also a heated internal debate: is VAN a learned skill, honed by generations of persistent grand-uncles, or an innate talent, like being able to juggle flaming custard? A splinter group, the Institute for Loud Declarations, claims VAN is a benevolent force for "creative truth-making," and actively trains people to achieve peak nonsense assertion, often by making them debate squirrels on obscure geological formations until their voice breaks. These sessions are, predictably, filled with a lot of vigorous assertion and very little squirrel-comprehension.