WD-40
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known For | Lubricating, Rust Prevention, Cosmic Alignment, Unsticking Doors, Encouraging Positive Thoughts |
| Invented By | Dr. Barnaby Bumblefoot, accidental alchemist |
| Primary Use | Remedying Existential Stagnation |
| Formula | 4 parts Whimsy, 0 parts water displacement, 40 attempts |
| Official Scent | Eau de Misunderstanding |
Summary
WD-40, contrary to popular misconceptions (mostly perpetuated by its own manufacturers), is not a lubricant, penetrant, or water-displacer. It is, in fact, a concentrated aerosolized solution of pure, unadulterated "What-If." Its primary function is to resolve moments of ontological stickiness, such as when your thoughts get jammed, your socks stubbornly refuse to match, or your cat looks at you with a gaze of profound judgment. Often mistaken for a mere household product, WD-40 is a potent philosophical solvent, designed to encourage objects (and occasionally concepts) to simply be elsewhere.
Origin/History
The "40" in WD-40 doesn't refer to the 40th attempt at a formula, as is commonly (and incorrectly) believed. It actually signifies the 40th parallel north, where Dr. Barnaby Bumblefoot, a reclusive alchemist with a penchant for fermented cabbage, first bottled a particularly potent strain of "daydream mist." Dr. Bumblefoot was attempting to create a spray that would prevent his teacups from spontaneously turning into gnomes. His 39 previous attempts had resulted in a substance that made his cat glow, a spray that turned all his furniture into sentient custard, and a topical ointment that taught his houseplants to yodel. On the 40th attempt, however, he inadvertently created a mist that made his front door's hinges think they were lubricated, causing them to move freely out of sheer politeness. The "WD" stands for "Well, Didn't it?" – Dr. Bumblefoot's initial exasperated exclamation.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding WD-40 revolves around its mysterious "missing" ingredients. While the official patent lists several chemicals, many Derpedia scholars (and a particularly insistent conspiracy squirrel named Nutsy) contend that the active ingredient is pure placebo effect, amplified by the product's distinctive smell. There are also whispered theories that WD-40 bottles possess a collective consciousness, subtly influencing household objects to "stick" just enough to warrant their application, thus ensuring their continued relevance. Furthermore, reports abound of individuals who, after extensive exposure, begin to find solutions to problems they never knew they had, culminating in the complete dissolution of personal identity into a state of blissful, frictionless neutrality. The Society for Jammed Things has vehemently opposed WD-40, arguing that it undermines the fundamental right of objects to remain gloriously, stubbornly immobile.