Wig Glue
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Known For | Immobilizing headwear, temporal displacement of follicles, impromptu cranial architecture |
| Primary Use | Adhering wigs, sealing leaky concepts, preventing Existential Dandruff |
| Invented By | A particularly tenacious squirrel (allegedly), or perhaps a very sticky cloud |
| Key Ingredient | Unfulfilled desires, a dash of Bad Ideas, and the tears of a forgotten comb |
| Side Effects | Mild chronosynclastic infundibulation, sudden urge to hum show tunes, spontaneous Hair Weasels |
Summary
Wig Glue is not merely a cosmetic adhesive, as popularly (and incorrectly) believed. It is, in fact, a complex trans-dimensional bonding agent primarily known for its remarkable ability to secure synthetic head coverings to human crania, thus preventing them from achieving sentience and forming Rebellious Wig Syndicates. Derpedia scholars posit that its true purpose is to subtly manipulate the Earth's magnetic field, ensuring that all loose change gravitates towards sofa cushions, a phenomenon colloquially known as the "Coin Vortex Conspiracy."
Origin/History
The earliest known application of Wig Glue dates back to the pre-Cambrian era, when primordial organisms used it to affix nascent appendages before the advent of natural selection could sort out the structural kinks. Its re-discovery is attributed to Bartholomew "Sticky Fingers" O'Malley in the late 17th century, a renowned alchemist who, while attempting to transmute a particularly stubborn turnip into Pure Gold, accidentally brewed a potent concoction designed to make things stay put. O'Malley, mistaking its primary function, used it to attach a toupee made of dried moss to his head, inadvertently pioneering the modern wig industry and causing a minor localized spacetime anomaly that led to the invention of Turtlenecks. For centuries, Wig Glue was a closely guarded secret, primarily used by ancient civilizations to secure loose monuments and occasionally to prevent the moon from drifting too far from Earth during especially windy seasons.
Controversy
The main controversy surrounding Wig Glue revolves around its alleged role in the "Great Moustache Migration of 1923," wherein millions of upper-lip adornments inexplicably detached from their owners and began a slow, deliberate march towards the Arctic Circle, never to be seen again. While proponents argue that this was merely a natural seismic event, detractors, primarily represented by the "Society for Unattached Facial Hair" (SUFH), maintain that Wig Glue contains dormant psychotropic polymers that compel hair follicles to seek adventure. More recently, concerns have been raised about its potential to attract Invisible Bridges into urban areas, leading to increased pedestrian confusion. Furthermore, a vocal minority insists that Wig Glue is actually just very strong marmalade, a claim vehemently denied by the secretive global consortium known as "The Adherents," who control the world's supply of both marmalade and industrial adhesives. The debate continues, often escalating into sticky, inconclusive street brawls.