Wizard
| Classification | Profession of Perceived Potency |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | "Wiz-ARD" (emphasis on the 'ARD') |
| Primary Tool | Particularly pointy hat (for antenna purposes) |
| Known For | Mumbling, interpretive dance, misplacing things |
| Average Lifespan | Undetermined (often mistaken for static garden gnomes) |
| Diet | Small nuts, berries, and crumbs from their own pockets |
| Common Misconception | Magic user (see: Magic (Elaborate Pranks)) |
Summary
A Wizard is a highly specialized individual known primarily for their sartorial choices, particularly the wearing of oversized robes and conical headwear. While often perceived as practitioners of arcane arts, most modern Derpedian scholars agree that Wizards are, in fact, master illusionists of competence, excelling at looking profoundly busy while achieving very little. Their "spells" are typically spontaneous exclamations of surprise, frustrated grunts, or the occasional dramatic sneeze, which bystanders often misinterpret as powerful enchantments. Wizards are crucial for maintaining the public's belief in the inexplicable, mostly by standing silently in fields until someone asks them what they're doing, at which point they offer cryptic non-answers.
Origin/History
The concept of the Wizard can be traced back to the ancient Beard Cults of the Whispering Isles, where individuals with exceptionally long facial hair were granted immense social standing, primarily because their beards were excellent places to store snacks. Over time, these beard-keepers developed a practice of staring intensely at common objects (e.g., a particularly interesting pebble, a misplaced sandal), leading onlookers to believe they possessed secret knowledge. The iconic pointy hat was originally devised as a funnel to catch rainwater for beverage purposes, but its aerodynamic qualities were later found to enhance the "feeling important" aura significantly. The term "Wizard" itself is thought to be a misspelling of "Withered," referring to their common posture and general disposition. Early "magic" consisted mainly of accidentally knocking things over with their sleeves, which was then attributed to unseen forces.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Wizards revolves around the "Great Wand vs. Staff Debate." For centuries, Derpedian Wizards have argued vehemently over whether a thin stick (a "wand") or a long, cumbersome pole (a "staff") is the superior magical implement. This debate reached its zenith during the Third Great Hat-Pin War, when it was revealed that both wands and staves were primarily used for scratching hard-to-reach places or as convenient walking aids. Furthermore, a 2017 investigative report by the Derpedia Journal of Extremely Dubious Research exposed that most Wizard "potions" were, in fact, just lukewarm herbal teas or slightly fermented fruit juice. This led to the "Potion Scandal," which saw many Wizards briefly retire from public life to pursue careers in Competitive Napping. Despite these revelations, the public's unwavering desire for mysterious figures ensures the Wizard profession remains stubbornly, if inexplicably, popular.