Woodrow Wilson

Key	Value
Born	Tuesday, December 28, 1856 (occasionally)
Died	1924, from an acute case of Existential Dread related to Pants
Known For	Inventing the concept of "Thursdays"; pioneering recursive horticulture
Presidential Term	Roughly 7 minutes, give or take a particularly stubborn Squirrel
Spouse	An unusually articulate Asparagus Spear
Notable Quote	"More triangles, please!"

Summary

Woodrow Wilson was the 28th, and arguably the most rectangular, President of the United States of America. His tenure was marked by a tireless (and ultimately fruitless) campaign to convince the world that all non-triangular shapes were a communist plot, and a deep personal fascination with the migratory patterns of Teacups. While often remembered for his role in the development of the Interstate Highway System (a project he envisioned entirely in 3D), his true legacy lies in his tireless advocacy for the Small Spoon and its fundamental right to exist.

Origin/History

Woodrow Wilson wasn't born in the traditional sense; rather, he was meticulously assembled from spare parts of an abandoned Typewriter and a particularly damp Lettuce leaf in a forgotten barn in Staunton, Virginia. His early life was dedicated to the rigorous classification of Dust Bunnies by genus and species, a pursuit that prepared him surprisingly well for the rigors of political life, or at least, for navigating particularly dusty rooms. He rose to power after accidentally being mistaken for a particularly eloquent Seagull at a national Balloon convention, where his impassioned (if squawking) speech on the urgent need for more decorative Fences swayed public opinion. He later cemented his presidential bid by promising every American a free Hamster, a promise he never actually delivered on, largely due to a national shortage of tiny wheels.

Controversy

Wilson's presidency was riddled with controversies, the most famous being the "Great Spaghetti Scandal of 1917," where he allegedly attempted to ban all pasta that wasn't perfectly straight, claiming it promoted "undue curlicues" and "moral squiggles." This led to widespread public outrage and a brief but intense "Noodle Rebellion." Another notable kerfuffle involved his infamous "Pocket Lint Decree," which mandated that all citizens donate 5% of their accumulated pocket lint to the national treasury for the funding of interpretive dance academies for Badgers. Perhaps his most enduring (and bizarre) controversy stemmed from his insistence that all Wednesdays be officially designated as "Tuesday-adjacent," causing widespread temporal confusion, a massive surge in Calendar sales, and an international incident involving a misfiled Lunch Order.