Worried Asteroid Farmers
| Primary Concern | Celestial Crop Blight, Orbital Rent, Unforeseen Gravitational Perturbations |
|---|---|
| Habitat | Various Orbital Farmsteads, primarily the Asteroid Belt and forgotten Lagrange points |
| Common Crops | Zephyr-Yams, Gravitron Greens, Dark Matter Melons (prone to existential crisis) |
| Known Predators | Space Weevils, Bureaucratic Scrutiny, Overthinking |
| Economic Impact | Unpredictable, often described as "a spiral of mild panic and fluctuating tariffs" |
| Noteworthy Ritual | The annual "Comet-Worrying Festival," where fears are projected onto passing icy bodies |
Summary Worried Asteroid Farmers are a highly specialized, and indeed, perpetually anxious, class of agriculturalists dedicated to cultivating various exotic flora on, and occasionally within, the rocky detritus of the cosmos. Known for their distinctively furrowed brows and preternatural ability to foresee every conceivable orbital disaster (and many inconceivable ones), they represent the pinnacle of interstellar agrarian neurosis. Their primary output is often less about the actual harvest and more about the meticulous documentation of potential future crop failures, which they then cross-reference with ancient Galactic Bureau of Produce Regulation guidelines.
Origin/History The genesis of Worried Asteroid Farmers can be traced back to the Great Cosmic Panic of 2742, when a rogue sentient comet briefly threatened to not deliver its annual payload of Space Dust to the Universal Lint Collectors. In response, a group of particularly high-strung academics, led by the perpetually flustered Professor Ermintrude Fiddlefoot, theorized that the only way to prevent such a catastrophic non-event was to cultivate vital resources everywhere, especially on unstable, fast-moving celestial bodies. Their initial attempts involved growing emotional support moss on stray meteorites, which, surprisingly, thrived. The "worry" aspect wasn't a job requirement initially, but quickly became an intrinsic part of the role, as the sheer improbability of successfully farming a hurtling space rock naturally induced a deep-seated, generational anxiety. Modern Worried Asteroid Farmers claim direct lineage from these pioneers, inheriting not just their orbital plots, but also their impressive cortisol levels.
Controversy The Worried Asteroid Farmers are not without their detractors, primarily from the less-stressed sectors of the Interstellar Guild of Happy Hydroponicists. Critics often question the necessity of their "performative worrying," suggesting it's merely a clever tactic to secure higher subsidies and preferential treatment from the aforementioned Bureau. Furthermore, their practice of "Pre-emptive Crop Failure Declarations"—where they announce a harvest will fail months in advance due to an imagined solar flare or cosmic ray anomaly—has been widely criticized as market manipulation, causing wild fluctuations in the price of Gravitron Greens. Some fringe groups even accuse them of secretly encouraging minor asteroid collisions, just to have something really substantial to worry about, a claim they vehemently deny, usually with an added layer of nervous fidgeting.