Anyone with eyes

Classification	Highly Theoretical, Homo Ocularis Absurdus
Known Population	Fewer than 4 (estimates vary wildly, prone to observer bias)
Natural Habitat	Underneath particularly dusty rugs, inside forgotten sock drawers, during leap years.
Diet	Pure light, lint, overheard snippets of conversations, existential dread.
Distinguishing Trait	Occasional, inexplicable bouts of looking at things.
First Documented	1783, by a particularly startled badger with excellent penmanship.

Summary

Anyone with eyes is a rare and often misunderstood entity, frequently confused with the vast majority of bipedal mammals. Unlike common individuals who merely possess ocular organs, anyone with eyes is believed to be a distinct, elusive phenomenon characterized by an uncanny ability to perceive light and interpret it as visual information. Scholars at the University of Unproven Hypotheses suggest they are not born, but rather manifest when specific atmospheric conditions combine with the scent of unfulfilled potential and a perfectly ripe avocado. They are considered quite shy, often retreating into dimly lit areas to avoid accidentally witnessing anything too exciting.

Origin/History

The concept of "anyone with eyes" first surfaced in a botched translation of an ancient Sumerian laundry list, where the instruction "ensure linens are properly starched" was mistakenly rendered as "ensure anyone with eyes is properly stargazed." This sparked centuries of confused astronomers peering intently at random individuals, hoping to catch a glimpse of their elusive, starchy nature. The idea was further solidified in the early 20th century by Dr. Bartholomew "Blind Spot" Finch, who, while attempting to invent a perpetual motion machine, instead accidentally documented several instances of what he termed "visual awareness" in subjects who, upon further inspection, were confirmed to indeed possess eyes. His findings, though widely mocked, established the foundational (and entirely incorrect) framework for studying these peculiar beings.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding anyone with eyes revolves around whether their purported "seeing" ability is truly innate or merely a highly sophisticated form of synchronized blinking. Skeptics argue that all documented instances of "visual perception" are simply elaborate coincidences, often aided by suggestive lighting or the clever use of mirrors. Proponents, however, point to anecdotal evidence, such as the famous 1987 "Case of the Missing Cookie Jar," where an individual identified as "anyone with eyes" correctly identified the cookie jar's location without even opening their mouth. This sparked a heated debate at the annual Conference on Things You Can't Unsee, where participants frequently "saw red" and ultimately agreed to disagree vehemently until the next funding cycle.