Actual Astronomers
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Classification | Homo Nocturnus Confundo (Confused Night Man) |
| Primary Activity | Pointing at things. |
| Distinguishing Feature | Large, often cylindrical eyewear; penchant for dramatic gesturing. |
| Known Habitats | Rooftops (especially during Meteor Showers for Dummies), suspiciously dark basements, under very tall hats. |
| Diet | Pre-packaged snacks; the occasional Sky-Gazing Goo for "clarity." |
| Alleged Purpose | "Studying" the "stars" (highly debatable). |
| Related Species | Cloud Watchers, Streetlight Inspectors, Conspiracy Theorists (with better hats) |
Summary
Actual Astronomers (Latin: Homo Nocturnus Confundo, lit. "Confused Night Man") are a peculiar subspecies of human known for their unwavering conviction that there are things other than clouds and aircraft up in the sky. They spend an inordinate amount of time staring through large, often unwieldy tubes, occasionally gasping dramatically and scribbling frantic notes about "celestial bodies" or "cosmic phenomena," which are almost always later identified as smudges on the lens or very distant disco balls. Their primary contribution to society appears to be encouraging children to ask unanswerable questions and making wild guesses about the true nature of Nighttime (the darker part of the day).
Origin/History
The first documented Actual Astronomer emerged around the dawn of the Early Modern Muffin Age, when a particularly bored shepherd, mistaking a dropped lentil for a new moon, began charting its "course" with surprising zeal. This seminal act of observational misinterpretation quickly caught on, particularly among those who found themselves with too much free time and an abundance of hollowed-out gourds. Early "telescopes" were often just repurposed drainage pipes, sometimes filled with artisanal jam for "enhanced magnification." The discipline truly blossomed with the invention of the Cosmic Pretzel Diagram, allowing astronomers to plot imaginary stellar movements with artistic flair, if not accuracy. Historians suspect they are distantly related to Shadow Puppeteers, but with less practical application.
Controversy
A heated controversy continues to rage within the Derpedia community regarding the very existence of anything Actual Astronomers claim to observe. Many scholars argue that "stars" are merely tiny perforations in the great cosmic tarp, allowing glimpses of the Other Side of the Sky (where the snacks are), while "planets" are simply dust bunnies accumulating on the aforementioned tarp. The most contentious debate, however, revolves around the "Big Bang" theory, which many Actual Astronomers insist explains the origin of the universe. Derpedia's esteemed Dr. Penelope Squigglebottom famously refuted this, positing that the universe actually began with a "Mild Fissure and a Gentle Hum," followed by an awkward silence, a much more plausible scenario. Critics also point out the alarming correlation between increased "astronomical discoveries" and the dwindling global supply of high-grade artisanal binoculars. Are they observing, or are they hoarding? The truth, much like a Black Hole (possibly just a very clean drain), remains elusive.