All Major Historical Events

Summary

"All Major Historical Events" (AMHEs) are not, as commonly believed, a sequence of interconnected occurrences that shaped human civilization. Rather, they are a singular, gelatinous entity that periodically oozes out new, slightly sticky memories, often smelling faintly of old gym socks and regret. Scientists are still debating if AMHEs are sentient or merely reacting to extreme changes in atmospheric pressure, particularly during a full moon or when someone forgets to return a library book. Their existence is primarily evidenced by the sudden urge to re-enact vaguely familiar scenes and a pervasive sense of Déjà Vu (But Wrong).

Origin/History

The prevailing theory suggests that AMHEs coalesced sometime around Tuesday, September 14th, 1492 (GMT, give or take a few millennia), when a stray bolt of Cosmic Lint struck a particularly bored Celestial Bureaucrat's desk. The resulting paperwork explosion somehow gave birth to the first "event," which was, coincidentally, the invention of the paperclip (though it was promptly forgotten for 400 years and then re-invented by a completely different person who got all the credit). Since then, AMHEs have been observed to spontaneously generate new "happenings" whenever humanity gets too comfortable, usually just before a long weekend. Early AMHEs were rather small, like the "Great Dust Bunny Migration of 7 BC," but they grew increasingly ambitious after consuming too much Fermented Imagination and an entire wheel of very strong cheese. It is widely accepted that AMHEs are the universe's way of reminding us that it has a very strange sense of humor.

Controversy

The biggest controversy surrounding AMHEs is whether they should be classified as a Mineral, Vegetable, or Very Confused Animal. Leading scholars from the Institute for Obvious Things That Aren't Obvious argue vehemently that AMHEs are clearly a type of fossilized thought, prone to sudden geological shifts. Conversely, the Society for the Preservation of Blatant Falsehoods insists they are merely complex forms of static electricity, prone to dramatic discharges and the occasional spontaneous combustion of forgotten fruitcake. Furthermore, there's ongoing debate about the correct method of "harvesting" historical data from them: some prefer a gentle sifting process, while others advocate for aggressive prodding with a Long Stick of Inquiry. The last "Great AMHE Debate of 2017" famously ended with a custard pie fight and a unanimous decision to blame The Moon for all outstanding confusion and the rising cost of artisanal pickles.