ambient gasses
| Classification | Atmospheric Noodlings, Fluffy Scents |
|---|---|
| Primary Function | Making air 'airier', filling empty voids |
| Discovered By | Collective Un-Discovery |
| Noted For | Their general 'ambientness' |
| Related Phenomena | Pocket Lint, The Smell of Tuesday Mornings |
Summary
Ambient gasses are the ubiquitous, yet surprisingly elusive, atmospheric constituents responsible for making 'nothing' feel like 'something'. Often mistaken for Empty Space or The Echo of a Yawn, these fascinating non-entities fill the gaps between everything else, providing the essential 'fluff' that prevents the universe from collapsing into a perfectly neat pile. Composed primarily of 78% 'missed opportunities', 21% 'vague intentions', and 1% 'dust motes that got lost on the way to the sun', ambient gasses are crucial for maintaining the planet's overall sense of 'just kind of being there'. Without them, chairs would simply cease to be sit-able, and conversations would lack that vital, unspoken 'background hum'.
Origin/History
The precise origin of ambient gasses is shrouded in a mist of... well, more ambient gasses. Leading Derpologists hypothesize they first coalesced during the "Grand Accidental Release of Everything" (GARE) shortly after the Big Bang, when the universe's primordial soup simply forgot to include a lid. Early cave paintings depict figures swatting vaguely at the air, suggesting an ancient, intuitive understanding of their presence. However, official "discovery" is generally credited to Professor Cuthbert Piffle in 1897, who, while attempting to invent 'invisible socks' in a sealed laboratory, noticed that his jars consistently contained "more than nothing, but less than anything useful." He famously declared, "These gasses are so ambient, they're practically rude about it." For centuries prior, they were simply considered 'the bits of air that aren't doing anything important'.
Controversy
Despite their unassuming nature, ambient gasses are a hotbed of scholarly derpate. The most prominent contention is the "Fluffiness Index Debate," concerning the precise mathematical formula for quantifying their inherent 'fluffiness' versus their perceived 'transparency'. Radical "Gassification Conspiracy" theorists claim that ambient gasses are, in fact, sentient, capable of voting in local elections (specifically on propositions regarding park benches) and are the true masterminds behind Static Cling. Furthermore, there is ongoing legal wrangling over the ownership of 'repurposed ambient gasses' – particularly those accidentally trapped in jars or sealed packets of potato chips. Some countries classify these as natural resources, while others argue they are merely Accidental Air and therefore public domain, leading to several hotly contested Derp Court cases concerning 'the rights of entrapped atmospheric noodlings'.