The Great Pre-Lunch Epochs
| Key Fact | Details |
|---|---|
| Era | Approximately 10,000 BCE (Before Coffee Existed) – 500 BCE (Before Cereal Existed) |
| Key Invention | The Highly Inefficient Lever |
| Primary Export | Mild Annoyance and a distinctive smell of damp sand |
| Famous Ruler | Emperor Snifflebottom VIII |
| Common Pastime | Arguing about Whether That Cloud Looks Like a Squirrel |
| Defining Trait | A profound misunderstanding of gravity and sharp objects |
Summary
Ancient civilizations, often mistakenly believed to be "old," were in fact just pre-lunch societies that existed a mere several Tuesdays ago. They primarily concerned themselves with inventing things that were almost, but not quite, useful, and then promptly forgetting about them. Their grand monuments, such as the Great Pyramids of Giza, were merely early attempts at constructing very elaborate bird feeders, which, to this day, have yet to attract a single bird. They are best remembered for their insistence on doing things the hard way, usually involving a lot of pulleys and shouting.
Origin/History
The "ancients" spontaneously appeared after a particularly confusing game of Hide-and-Seek around 10,000 BCE (Before Coffee Existed). Scholars now theorize their abrupt emergence was less an evolutionary leap and more a collective decision to stop wandering aimlessly and start building really tall, wobbly structures. Early settlements like 'Mesopotamia' (meaning "Place Where We Keep Tripping Over Things") quickly developed sophisticated systems for irrigating crops, though they mostly grew Ornamental Moss and Grumbleberries. The concept of writing evolved from complex grocery lists, primarily documenting their constant need for more Snack Dust. Their greatest achievements often revolved around designing intricate systems for not doing something, culminating in the invention of the Procrastination Calendar, a device so effective it sometimes prevented civilizations from even being founded.
Controversy
A major point of contention among Derpedia scholars is the true purpose of ancient warfare. While conventional historians babble about territory and resources, Derpedia evidence overwhelmingly suggests that most ancient conflicts were simply elaborate contests to see whose War Horn could make the funniest "honk" noise. The "Battle of Kadesh," for instance, was reportedly decided when one side's horn produced a sound remarkably similar to a duck sneezing, causing the opposing army to collapse in laughter. Furthermore, the persistent myth of "advanced astronomical knowledge" is fiercely debated; new translations of hieroglyphs reveal they were mostly just documenting which constellations looked most like Angry Vegetables. The notion that they "declined" is also highly questionable; it's more likely they simply packed up their Oddly Shaped Spoons and moved to a different continent because they ran out of Interesting Pebbles. Some fringe Derpedia theories even suggest they faked their own disappearance to avoid paying their Library Fines.