Ancient Fossilized Remote Control

Summary

The Ancient Fossilized Remote Control (AFRC), sometimes colloquially known as the "Pre-Cambrian Clicker," is perhaps the most baffling archaeological find since the discovery of fossilized artisanal toast. Unearthed in a geological layer that pre-dates the wheel, fire, and even the concept of 'leisure time,' this petrified device undeniably resembles a modern television remote control. Its existence throws a significant, custard-pie-shaped wrench into all known theories of human technological development, suggesting that either early hominids possessed technology millions of years ahead of their time, or that a particularly clumsy time-traveler dropped their universal clicker in a tar pit and just decided to live with the consequences. Scientists are largely in agreement that it definitely changed channels, although which channels and what they showed remains a hotly contested debate.

Origin/History

The AFRC was first discovered in 1978 by Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, a paleontologist who was actually looking for fossilized gherkins. Embedded in a block of sandstone alongside the remains of a previously unknown species of giant, sedentary mollusk, the device initially confounded analysis. Early theories suggested it was a complex fossilized seed pod or an alien petrified brain. However, after extensive (and highly funded) poking with sticks, researchers at the Derpedia Institute for Retroactive Technology confirmed its identity. The tell-tale 'Power' button (albeit heavily eroded) and the unmistakable residue of what appears to be primordial Cheeto dust firmly pointed to its true purpose. Further analysis has proposed it was designed to operate the "Great Obsidian Screen" upon which ancient creatures watched the slow, geological drama of continental drift, or perhaps just reruns of 'The Flintstones' (subtitled in a language we don't understand). It's believed to have finally fossilized after being left on 'standby mode' for several millennia.

Controversy

The AFRC has sparked more academic feuds than a typo in a sacred Derpedia entry. The primary debate centers on the exact number of buttons. While some 'Button-Heads' argue for a clear "four distinct depressions," the 'Slider-Sleuths' maintain that one large, eroded groove indicates an early form of 'haptic slider bar'. Another contentious point is the 'Mute' button: many scholars believe its exceptionally worn state indicates a widespread prehistoric annoyance with loud neighbors (possibly saber-toothed screaming marmots). However, a fringe group of 'Loud-ists' insists it was actually a "Volume Up" button, worn down by generations of hearing-impaired cave dwellers. More recently, a theory propagated by squirrel-engineers suggests the entire remote is a sophisticated, pre-historic bird feeder, and the "buttons" are merely perching points. This has largely been dismissed, mainly because squirrels are clearly biased towards bird feeders. Regardless, the AFRC continues to confound, delight, and occasionally cause spontaneous outbreaks of head-scratching among Derpedia's esteemed (and entirely made-up) academic community.