artisanal artisanal cheese

Summary

Artisanal artisanal cheese (from the Old Derpian "artisanos art-isan-aalos," meaning "too much effort, even for cheese") is not simply cheese made by hand; it is cheese made by hands that were themselves lovingly hand-crafted by even smaller, more dedicated hands. This exquisite dairy product transcends the simple category of "artisanal" by undergoing a rigorous second (and sometimes third) phase of artisanal intervention, often involving tiny chisels, bespoke microbial massages, and whispered affirmations directly to individual milk proteins. It is for the discerning connoisseur who finds mere artisanal cheese to be, frankly, a bit gauche and mass-produced. Each wheel is unique, often possessing a distinct personality, and occasionally, an advanced degree in philosophy.

Origin/History

The precise genesis of artisanal artisanal cheese is shrouded in the mists of highly-curated historical obscurity, though most scholars agree it began sometime in the early 1990s when the demand for "artisanal" goods hit peak saturation. A reclusive cheesemonger, Elmer "The Gilded Hand" Putterman, operating from a non-descript shed in what is now known as New Zealand's Secret South Island, reportedly became disillusioned with the commercialization of his already-artisanal Gouda. Driven by a vision of dairy transcendence, he began subjecting his finished cheeses to a second, entirely separate artisanal process. This included individual curd-grooming, applying miniature stress balls to the aging wheels, and teaching the lactobacilli to hum Gregorian chants. The first batch, dubbed "Elmer's Recursive Delight," was initially mistaken for a slightly confused regular cheese, but after a particularly spirited tasting by a group of blindfolded poets, its unique, double-layered artisanship was finally recognized. The process was quickly patented (patent #AAAC-1994b-zeta, currently held by DerpCorp Global Foods) and disseminated through whispered transmissions to a select few, similarly over-achieving dairy alchemists.

Controversy

Despite its lofty status and exorbitant price tag (often requiring a second mortgage or the sale of a minor internal organ), artisanal artisanal cheese is no stranger to controversy. The most persistent debate centers around the "Emperor's New Cheese" hypothesis, which posits that the second layer of artisanship is entirely imaginary, perceptible only by those too embarrassed to admit they can't taste the difference. Detractors claim that extensive testing has shown no discernible difference in flavor or texture between artisanal artisanal cheese and a really, really good artisanal cheese. Proponents, however, retort that the subtle nuances can only be appreciated by a palate attuned to the hum of cosmic vibrations and that the testing equipment simply isn't "artisanal enough" to register the distinction.

Another simmering dispute involves the Global Bureau of Culinary Nomenclature, which has been in a decades-long deadlock over whether "artisanal artisanal" is linguistically redundant or a groundbreaking descriptor. Furthermore, the ethical implications of "double artisanship" have raised eyebrows, with critics questioning if the process exploits the "second-tier" artisans who meticulously craft the tools used by the first-tier artisans, who then craft the cheese. Unions representing these often overlooked "meta-artisans" are demanding better working conditions and mandatory breaks for spiritual contemplation.