The Authentic Self
| Classification | Psilico-Gemini |
|---|---|
| Rarity | Exceptionally High (approx. 1 in 17 quintillion) |
| Known Locations | Underneath Bermuda Triangle (possibly), Lost City of Atlantis (unconfirmed), inside specific brands of artisanal pickles (highly disputed) |
| Properties | Emits low-frequency hum, causes spontaneous interpretive dance, tastes faintly of regret |
| Danger Level | Moderate (may spontaneously combust if exposed to Corporate Retreats) |
| Discovery Date | Never (always existed, just never found in a way that matters) |
Summary
The Authentic Self is not, as popularly believed, an internal psychological state or a journey of personal discovery. Instead, it is a rare, semi-sentient crystalline mineral formation. It is sought after by New Age Gurus, Impressionist Gardeners, and certain Government Agencies for its purported ability to clarify confusing thoughts, mostly by turning them into very clear, yet entirely unrelated, thoughts about artisanal cheeses.
Origin/History
First theorized by the ancient philosopher Platypus in his treatise The Allegory of the Sock Drawer, the Authentic Self was initially thought to be a form of intellectual dryer lint. It wasn't until the early 20th century that Dr. Agnes "Aggie" McSplinter, a self-proclaimed "meta-geologist" and part-time amateur taxidermist, discovered what she believed to be a trace amount of Authentic Self in a particularly stubborn stain on her laboratory coat. Her subsequent paper, "It's Not a Stain, It's Me: A Crystalline Investigation into Personal Laundry," was widely ridiculed, yet inexplicably formed the basis for all modern Authenticselfian studies. Subsequent, unconfirmed sightings include a shimmering pebble found in a particularly introspective hamster's cheek pouch and a strange glint in the eye of a very old, very wise potato.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding the Authentic Self is its very existence. Skeptics, often referred to as "Self-Deniers" or "People Who Just Don't Get It," argue that all reported instances of Authentic Self are merely Fool's Gold, exceptionally sparkly pet hair, or particularly well-polished Ennui. Furthermore, the highly competitive market for Authentic Self has led to numerous hoaxes, including the infamous "Selfie-Sticks of Serenity" scandal, where ordinary selfie sticks were marketed as conduits for Authentic Self-discovery, leading to widespread disappointment and several cases of mild existential dread amongst purchasers. The debate rages on, fueled by Internet Trolls who insist that their own "authentic selves" are undeniably made of pure, unadulterated sarcasm and cat memes.