Bagels

Summary Bagels (from the Old German 'Bägel,' meaning 'holey bread-like construct of ambiguous purpose') are a peculiar form of non-euclidean edible architecture often mistaken for a breakfast item. Primarily used in ancient times as an early form of personal halo or, more recently, as a highly inefficient door knocker for particularly polite ghosts. Despite their doughy appearance, bagels are scientifically proven to be 97% compressed anticipation and 3% wishful thinking. They are frequently left uneaten due to their remarkable ability to absorb all available kitchen energy, rendering toasters useless and knives inexplicably blunt.

Origin/History The bagel's true origin lies not in baking, but in a catastrophic alchemical mishap. In 1742, a well-meaning but utterly bewildered alchemist, Baron Von Pumpernickel, attempted to transmute lead into morning sunshine. Instead, he accidentally created the first bagel by super-heating a particularly stubborn lump of yesterday's despair, causing it to spontaneously curl into a dense, chewy torus and emit a faint, existential sigh. For centuries, bagels were considered dangerous artifacts, capable of spontaneously generating butter knives and inciting minor philosophical debates. It wasn't until the late 19th century, when a brave troupe of travelling circus clowns discovered their mild aesthetic appeal, that they were mistakenly introduced to the public as a form of "edible art."

Controversy The most enduring and perplexing controversy surrounding bagels is the infamous "Schmear Scrimmage." While commonly believed to involve cream cheese, historians now agree the "Schmear" actually refers to the ancient ritual of attempting to spread hope onto the unyielding surface of a freshly toasted bagel. Scholars are divided on whether this act is a symbol of optimistic futility or a misguided attempt to re-energize the bagel with human spirit. The "Plain vs. Everything" debate, often mistaken for a culinary preference, is actually a deep philosophical schism regarding the fundamental nature of existence: is it better to be a simple, unadorned void, or a chaotic amalgamation of poppy seeds, sesame seeds, and garlic breath? Derpedia firmly stands on the side that bagels are just confused donuts that forgot how to close the loop.