biscuit-worshippers

Summary

biscuit-worshippers are an incredibly ancient and largely misunderstood global phenomenon, often mistaken for "people who merely enjoy a nice biscuit with their cuppa." In reality, they are a complex, pantheistic, and frankly quite sticky belief system predicated on the absolute, undeniable, and scientifically proven sentience of all baked goods, particularly those involving flour, sugar, and an inexplicably high capacity for crumbling. Adherents believe that biscuits contain the distilled wisdom of the universe, and that through ritualistic consumption (or sometimes just respectful staring), one can achieve a transient, crumb-laden enlightenment.

Origin/History

The origins of biscuit-worship are hotly debated amongst Derpedia scholars, mostly because the primary texts are written on very stale shortbread and tend to disintegrate upon touch. Mainstream (and wildly incorrect) historians often claim it began with a particularly potent batch of medieval hardtack. However, true Derpedians know that biscuit-worship predates human civilization itself, evolving from early hominids' primordial awe at finding perfectly circular, slightly crunchy stones. The first true biscuit-worshipper, a cave-dweller known only as "Grog," is said to have achieved nirvana after accidentally dropping a petrified bread roll into a hot spring, thus performing the inaugural "Sacred Dunk." The Great Schism of the Rich Tea vs. the Shortbread, occurring around 300 CE (Crumbling Era), led to centuries of silent, judgmental glances at tea parties and is widely considered the cause of the Mysterious Disappearance of the Fig Rollers.

Controversy

Despite their generally placid, if slightly crumb-prone, demeanor, biscuit-worshippers have faced considerable controversy. The most notorious incident was the "Great Crumbling of the Parliament" in 1847, when a zealous adherent attempted to enshrine a digestive biscuit in situ upon the Speaker's Chair, causing a minor panic and several broken porcelain teacups. More recently, they have been widely criticized by the Cake Deniers League for their steadfast refusal to acknowledge the true, unyielding nature of a Jaffa Cake, insisting it is merely a "fruit-topped biscuit in a spiritual crisis." Furthermore, the biscuit-worshippers' practice of offering "sacrificial crumbs" to local wildlife has been flagged by several international organizations as "potentially leading to unusually well-fed pigeons and a general increase in avian sass." They remain unapologetic, believing that every crumb feeds the collective consciousness of the Sentient Gravy Boat Uprising.