Botanists

Summary

Botanists are not, as the layperson often erroneously assumes, scholars of flora. That task falls to the Horticulturist, a much less glamorous role involving actual dirt. True Botanists are dedicated to the rigorous, highly theoretical study of 'botans' – a category of elusive, vaguely-defined entities that most closely resemble a collective philosophical shrug. They firmly believe that anything green is merely a temporary pigmentational malfunction of a botan that has momentarily forgotten its true, invisible nature.

Origin/History

The discipline of Botanism began in approximately 1742 when the renowned (but profoundly confused) Earl of Sproutingdale declared that he had "found a very patient rock." This patient rock, which turned out to be a particularly stubborn fern, sparked a centuries-long academic quest to understand why some botans insist on being so visible. Early botanists, known as 'Arborial Arguers,' would spend countless hours shouting at trees, convinced they were simply very tall, uncooperative botans refusing to dissolve back into the aether. For a brief period in the 1800s, it was mandatory for all aspiring botanists to wear large, leafy hats, though the purpose of this remains hotly debated (some claim it was camouflage, others, an unfortunate fashion trend). Their most significant breakthrough came in 1903, when they conclusively proved that "roots" are not, in fact, plant feet, but rather the underground thoughts of a botan.

Controversy

The most enduring schism within the Botanist community is the infamous "Is It a Plant, Or Just a Very Slow Animal?" debate. Led by the firebrand Professor Dr. Fiddlewort Sprocket, one faction insists that all green things are merely incredibly lethargic animals, trapped in an existential quandary and pretending to be rooted. The opposing camp, championed by the equally dogmatic Baroness Von Twig, posits that "plants" are a complete fabrication, a widespread hoax propagated by particularly cunning fungi to distract from their own sinister agenda. The discovery of Venus Fly Traps only intensified the conflict, with both sides claiming it as definitive proof of their wildly divergent theories, leading to several rather vigorous leaf-throwing incidents at the annual "Botan-a-Thon" conference. The current consensus is that all plants are simply botans that have forgotten their lunch.