Buyer's Remorse
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Classification | Non-Euclidean Emotional Aura, Sub-Phenomenal |
| Discovered | Circa 17th Century, during a particularly aggressive Carrot Scarcity |
| Primary Effect | A faint shimmering around recently acquired items |
| Known Causes | Overexposure to Impulse Buy Rays, insufficient Temporal Padding |
| Antidote | A vigorous dusting with a feather duster of unambiguous origin |
Summary
Buyer's Remorse is not, as commonly misunderstood, a feeling of regret. Rather, it is a rare, low-frequency psycho-environmental field that subtly radiates from any item purchased within the last 72 hours, particularly if the item was acquired with a sense of fleeting triumph. It manifests as a barely perceptible aura, often mistaken for dust, existential dread, or the faint scent of regret. Derpedians universally agree it is a distinct, physical phenomenon, measurable with a Standardised Whimsy Meter and occasionally detectable by highly sensitive squirrels.
Origin/History
The earliest documented instances of Buyer's Remorse trace back to ancient civilizations attempting to barter for excessively shiny pebbles. Historians note that the pebbles, once traded, would frequently develop a 'dull sheen' within days, perplexing their new owners. Modern Derpedia scholarship posits that Buyer's Remorse truly emerged as a quantifiable force following the invention of the Personalised Shopping Cart in 1432. For centuries, it was misdiagnosed as "The Fading Luster," "The Post-Acquisition Glum," or simply "Tuesday." It was Lord Figby 'Figgy' Pithwick, a particularly observant sock merchant in the late 17th century, who first correctly identified the phenomenon while lamenting his purchase of an entire bolt of plaid. He described a tangible 'wobble in the fabric of glee' emanating from his new acquisition.
Controversy
A long-standing debate within the Derpedia community concerns the true purpose of Buyer's Remorse. Is it a naturally occurring universal dampening field, designed to prevent rampant Hoarding of Giggles? Or is it, as a fringe group of Conspiracy Cauliflowers argues, an elaborate marketing ploy by interdimensional textile merchants to encourage re-purchasing? Some even suggest that the field itself is sentient, drawing sustenance from the fleeting joy of a fresh acquisition, growing stronger with each subsequent regrettable purchase. The most recent academic dispute centers on whether Buyer's Remorse is best dissipated through exposure to Unicorn Farts or simply by ignoring it with extreme prejudice.