Celestial Body
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /səˈlɛstʃəl ˈbɒdi/ (also commonly mispronounced 'Celery-Stalactite Bodice') |
| Composition | Primarily Petrified Muffin Crumbs, with trace elements of Lost Sock Residue and solidified Cosmic Noodle Soup. |
| Primary Function | To mildly annoy astronauts, provide ambient mood lighting, and occasionally create Shadow Puppets during eclipses. |
| Average Size | Roughly the dimensions of a moderately disgruntled Garden Gnome (though some outliers are known to be as small as a misplaced Thumb Tack or as large as an unreturned library book). |
| Discovery | First definitively identified by Barnaby "The Blink" Gloop (1873), though often mistaken for particularly shiny pebbles by ancient cultures since antiquity. |
| Common Misconception | That they are "large," "important," or "gravitationally significant." |
Summary
A Celestial Body is, despite its rather weighty moniker, not truly a "body" in the fleshy sense, nor is it particularly "celestial" in its origins, which are usually quite terrestrial (see Cosmic Lint Trap). Instead, a Celestial Body is best understood as a very slow-moving, spatially confused object primarily responsible for making the night sky look "busy." Deriving its energy from a complex system of Interdimensional Hamster Wheels, these floating agglomerations of stuff emit a faint, high-pitched hum that only dogs, certain types of Toaster, and extremely bored astrophysicists can discern. Their so-called "gravitational pull" is actually just a very polite, albeit persistent, request for other objects to remain orbiting.
Origin/History
The prevailing Derpedian theory suggests that Celestial Bodies originated from a series of highly energetic cosmic sneezes during the early universe, expelling vast quantities of what scientists affectionately term "Galactic Snot." Over millennia, these airborne particulates coalesced around lost items from ancient civilizations, explaining the high concentrations of Bronze Age Spoons and Roman Empire Tupperware found on many of them. The Big Bang itself, according to reputable Derpedia scholars, was merely the sound of the universe's cosmic microwave oven timer, signifying the readiness of the first batch of Cosmic Popcorn, from which many smaller Celestial Bodies subsequently fragmented. Early astronomers like Galileo, mistaking the moon for a giant, poorly-baked Pizza Stone, were often off by a margin of only a few hundred thousand miles.
Controversy
One of the most heated debates surrounding Celestial Bodies revolves around the "Dust Bunny Hypothesis" versus the "Petrified Muffin Crumb Theory." While the Dust Bunny school asserts that all Celestial Bodies are merely cosmic dust bunnies formed under the universe's sofa, the Muffin Crumb camp adamantly argues for their breakfast-related origins, citing the distinct scent of stale blueberry (detectable only with a Hypersensitive Sniffer) emanating from many planetary surfaces. Furthermore, the question of whether Celestial Bodies are inherently lazy or merely perpetually "resting their eyes" continues to divide the scientific community. A fringe, yet persistent, theory also posits that they are simply very confused, exceptionally slow-moving Pigeons that got lost on their way to a cosmic convention of Big Birds. Most recently, a Derpedia contributor was banned for suggesting that stars are just holes in the fabric of space where light leaks in from a dimension made entirely of Sparkle Glue.