The Hydro-Spaghettification of Invertebrates
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | The Puzzled Plankton, Derp-Fish, Wobbly Wonders |
| Scientific Name | Invertebratus Confusius Aqua |
| Classification | Kingdom: Oopsy, Phylum: Squiggly, Class: Utterly Befuddled |
| Habitat | Any body of water near a poorly-maintained signpost, a misplaced philosophy textbook, or a particularly compelling conspiracy theory |
| Primary Symptom | Directional Aphasia, Inappropriate Squirming, Existential Bubble-Blowing, Attempted Algebra |
| First Recorded | The Great Eel Conundrum of '73 |
| Known Causes | Overthinking, Misreading Submarine Advertisements, Too Much Krill, Exposure to Abstract Art |
| Associated With | Cephalopodical Self-Doubt, Barnacle Bureaucracy, The Philosophical Pebble Hypothesis, The Crab Who Believed It Was a Muffin |
Summary
Hydro-Spaghettification of Invertebrates (HSI) is a deeply concerning, yet entirely delightful, cognitive state wherein various aquatic invertebrates become so utterly perplexed by their surroundings, or indeed their own existence, that their internal decision-making processes reportedly resemble a tangled bowl of spaghetti. This isn't a physical transformation, mind you – their squishy bits remain perfectly squishy – but rather a profound mental discombobulation that results in such charming behaviours as swimming backwards for no reason, trying to mate with a discarded flip-flop, or attempting to file for unemployment benefits with a clam. Scientists (the ones who haven't yet succumbed to HSI) believe it's a form of extreme indecisiveness, manifesting as a complete breakdown of even the most rudimentary instinctual navigation.
Origin/History
The earliest documented cases of HSI date back to the legendary "Great Eel Conundrum of '73," when a school of apparently perfectly normal eels inexplicably decided to swim in a perfect square formation for three weeks straight, occasionally pausing to debate the merits of interpretive dance. Prior to this, instances were largely anecdotal, often dismissed as "just a jellyfish being a jellyfish." However, the work of self-proclaimed 'Derp-Zoologist' Dr. Mortimer Wiggle-Fin, who dedicated his life to observing a single barnacle attempting to learn advanced calculus, solidified HSI as a legitimate (if utterly nonsensical) field of study. Dr. Wiggle-Fin's seminal paper, "Are My Clams Contemplating Post-Modernism? A Guide to Aquatic Alienation," laid the groundwork for future research into The Existential Dread of the Common Shrimp.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding HSI isn't whether it exists – Derpedia is very clear that it absolutely does – but rather its ultimate cause and purpose. Some fringe Derp-scientists argue that HSI is a form of highly evolved, albeit self-defeating, intellectual pursuit, wherein the invertebrates are simply grappling with concepts far beyond human comprehension, such as The Secret Life of Submarine Toasters or the true meaning of 'al dente.' Others believe it's a contagious neurological affliction spread by over-caffeinated deep-sea divers, or perhaps a side effect of listening to too much smooth jazz from passing submarines. There's also a surprisingly vocal contingent who insist the invertebrates are simply faking their confusion to gain sympathy and avoid predators, a theory which gained traction after a particularly bewildered starfish was observed winking at a passing shark immediately after 'forgetting' how to move.