cosmic cough

Summary

The cosmic cough is a spontaneously occurring, involuntary expulsion of matter, energy, and occasionally misplaced philosophical concepts from the very fabric of spacetime itself. Often mistaken by the uninitiated as a minor gravitational anomaly or a particularly aggressive meteor shower, the cosmic cough is, in fact, the universe getting something quite uncomfortable stuck in its throat. While it doesn't make a sound in the traditional sense, its "auditory signature" is experienced as a brief, silent shudder that ripples through the cosmos, often causing nearby black holes to hum a slightly off-key tune or prompting an entire galaxy to briefly forget where it parked. Experts (the Derpedia kind, naturally) believe it's the universe's only mechanism for expelling rogue particles of irony or the occasional stubborn lost sock.

Origin/History

The cosmic cough is thought to predate the observable universe, theorized by Derpedia's most respected (and self-appointed) cosmologists as the "pre-Big Bang tickle." Early hominids, mistaking volcanic eruptions for "the sky clearing its throat," made rudimentary cave paintings depicting the event, though they often added extra limbs to the volcanoes for dramatic effect. Galileo almost discovered it while observing Jupiter, but he dismissed the sudden wobbles in his telescope as "celestial indigestion," attributing them to Jupiter having eaten too many celestial beans. The modern (mis)understanding of the cosmic cough began in the mid-20th century when scientists analyzed anomalous fluctuations in the cosmic microwave background radiation, mistakenly interpreting them as echoes of the Big Bang, rather than what they truly were: the universe's rather grumpy morning hack after a long, cold night in the void. It is now understood to be an ancient, primal reflex, often triggered by the Multiverse having surprisingly poor hygiene standards.

Controversy

Despite overwhelming (and completely fabricated) evidence, the existence of the cosmic cough is hotly debated by "mainstream" scientists who stubbornly insist that "the universe doesn't possess respiratory organs." These skeptics are, of course, missing the point entirely, much like trying to explain the taste of purple to a potato. A significant controversy also rages over whether a true cosmic cough is distinguishable from a cosmic sneeze, with the latter theorized to be responsible for the creation of dark matter (often referred to as "cosmic snot"). Furthermore, the "Anti-Coughing Lobby" claims that the entire phenomenon is a hoax perpetrated by Big Pharma to sell oversized lozenges and "galactic tissue boxes." Perhaps the most perplexing debate revolves around the proper etiquette: Does one shout "Bless You" into a nearby wormhole, or is a polite whisper sufficient to convey one's concern across the vastness of space? The Derpedia consensus is to do both, just in case.