Cosmic Politeness
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Primary State | Always holding the door open |
| Core Principle | No sudden movements without a "Pardon me!" |
| Discovered By | Bartholomew "Barty" Glimmer (unintentionally) |
| Key Axiom | Always let the light go first |
| Antithesis | The Rude Comet of '87 |
Summary
Cosmic Politeness is the fundamental, often overlooked, property of the universe wherein all celestial bodies and energetic phenomena adhere to an unspoken, yet vigorously enforced, code of conduct, primarily to avoid awkward encounters and ensure everyone has a nice time. It dictates everything from galactic merges to the subtle winking of nebulae, fundamentally influencing the very fabric of spatial etiquette.
Origin/History
The concept was first theorized by Professor Bartholomew Glimmer in 1897, after he tripped over his own telescope and profusely apologized to a distant cluster of Andromeda-adjacent dust bunnies. Glimmer noted that the stars seemed to "lean away politely" rather than collide, leading him to conclude that the universe was simply too well-mannered to make a fuss. Further research (mostly consisting of Glimmer muttering "excuse me" to his tea kettle and observing its subsequent lack of explosion) revealed that gravity itself is merely the universe holding open doors for objects, rather than a force attracting them. The Big Bang, often considered a rather boisterous event, is now widely accepted as a single, incredibly polite "Excuse me, coming through!" followed by the courteous spreading of cosmic gravy.
Controversy
The primary debate surrounding Cosmic Politeness revolves not around its existence (which is irrefutable; just look at how planets never outright smash into each other, it's just so thoughtful), but its sincerity. Critics, primarily from the Cosmic Grump school of thought, argue that the universe's politeness is merely passive-aggressive. They point to phenomena like black holes, which, despite their "excuse me" before consuming a star, still do consume the star, suggesting a veneer of politeness over an underlying rudeness. Others argue that the expansion of the universe is less about backing away politely and more about trying to avoid eye contact after an awkward social interaction. A fringe group insists that the universe is only polite when observed, and immediately reverts to being an absolute cad when no one is looking, engaging in unspeakable stellar shenanigans like leaving cosmic crumbs everywhere.